[acb-hsp] Stepparents and Children: Hang in There

[peter altschul]

MU researchers send message to stepparents, children: "Hang in 
there"
  By Jill Renae Hicks Columbia Daily Tribune Friday, April 15, 
2011
  Frequently milled for sitcom material, and a ubiquitous trend 
of modern American society, stepfamilies are typically fraught 
with new emotions and tensions.  Why do some step-relationships 
thrive and others turn hostile -- or, perhaps even worse, 
apathetic? These questions have been the latest subject of study 
for University of Missouri human development experts Lawrence 
Ganong and Marilyn Coleman.
  "In some ways, we've been working on stepfamily research for 30 
years," Coleman, curators professor in the College of Human 
Environmental Sciences, said in a joint phone interview.  The 
pair began collecting qualitative research over a couple of years 
for their newest study, "Patterns of Stepchild-Stepparent 
Relationship Development," but have been looking for "new ways to 
collect data; new questions to ask" for much longer than that, 
she said.  Coleman and Ganong, an MU professor of human 
development, published a previous study about how stepparents 
attempt to develop relationships with their stepchildren.  This 
newest study, published in the April issue of the Journal of 
Marriage and Family, focuses on the stepchild's perspective.
  The main finding of the study, according to its press file, is 
"stepchildren relate with stepparents based on the stepparents' 
treatment of them and their evaluations, or judgments, of the 
stepparents' behaviors." In other words: "Children don't really 
think that it's up to them to forge relationships," Ganong said.  
"So really, it depends on the stepparents' to begin to make 
efforts to build a relationship.  He explained children and 
adolescents respond to their stepparent at least partly based on 
how they evaluate the adult's efforts to connect.
  Some stepparents "who made a purposeful effort to build a close 
relationship ...  from the start of the relationship were still 
doing it when we studied them," Ganong said.  But others who only 
worked at the relationship before they were fully tied to the 
stepchild's biological parent simply stopped making efforts once 
they moved in or once marriage was official.  "Sadly, a third 
group never did anything to build a close relationship," Ganong 
finished, adding children usually could intuit whether the new 
adult actually cared about building a relationship with them.
  The two professors gathered their research primarily through 
in-depth interviews with MU students who have had stepparents -- 
many students had more than one -- and identifying common 
patterns within the interviews.  Thirty-two stepdaughters and 17 
stepsons were interviewed, and the study is "at least a bPart 2" 
-- maybe a "Part 10," -- of a longer-term study of stepfamilies, 
Coleman said with a chuckle.
  Gradually, Coleman and Ganong began to identify common patterns 
of relationship development between stepparents and stepchildren.  
Coleman, especially, was surprised that six patterns of 
relationship development emerged: accepting as a parent, liking 
from the start, accepting with ambivalence, changing trajectory, 
rejecting the stepparent and coexisting.  Factors that influenced 
these patterns included the child's age and whether the adult and 
child shared common interests.
  "One of the most interesting patterns, to me, was the `changing 
trajectory` group -- hating the stepparent at first, to becoming 
very close to them," Ganong said.  "The take-home message for 
stepparents is, `Hang in there.`" He explained that many 
stepchildren, especially adolescents, reject their stepparents' 
efforts to connect at first.  But after a period of time, many 
begin to respond positively.  "There's some indication that 
stepparents give up too soon, Ganong said.  "Americans are pretty 
impatient."
  Coleman's advice to stepchildren: "Don't make a snap decision 
about your stepparents.  Give them a chance," she said.  She also 
pointed to the study's findings that, initially, the stepparent 
should try to participate in activities the kids enjoy, even if 
it's not what the stepparent would naturally like.  "You don't do 
things with friends that only you like to do," she said.  The two 
advise adults to think about how they would build a friendship 
with another adult -- then build a relationship with their 
stepchild in a similar way.
  Ganong also noted that no parent begins to discipline his or 
her biological child right away.  Instead, parents first develop 
a bond with their child.
  Stepparents should do the same.  "If you have a bond with a 
child, then that child will do what you ask them to do," Ganong 
said.  But he added it often still is very difficult for some 
stepparents to use this kind of bonding-first principle with 
their stepchildren.
  On the other side of the equation, biological parents outside 
the new relationship might need to allow their children the 
opportunity to connect with stepparents.  Those children most 
often are happier all around, Ganong said, because they feel 
freedom to have relationships with both their biological parents 
and their stepparents.  Children can accumulate affection for 
more family members instead of dividing affections, he explained.
  Coleman and Ganong are hopeful their study will influence 
marriage and family therapy and counseling practices for 
stepfamilies.  But they also hope it will encourage stepparents 
and stepchildren in a personal way -- especially because the 
number of stepfamilies has increased so rapidly in the United 
States in recent years.  "So it's really important that we 
understand this," Coleman said.
  Reach Jill Renae Hicks at 573-815-1714 or e-mail 
jrhicks at columbiatribune.com.
  Copyright 2011 Columbia Tribune.  All rights reserved.