[acb-hsp] What Do You Do...

[peter altschul]

What Do You Do When Your Best Friend Is Dating Someone Who Is 
Obviously Going to Ruin His or Her Life?
  Toni Nagy, Alterationet April 23, 2011
  One of life's unfortunate dilemmas arises when someone you 
love, your best friend even, is dating a complete and utter 
douche.  How do you handle this? How do you protect your friend 
by helping her see the truth about her soul-sucking mate, without 
making her defensive and more entangled with the douche?
  What is a douche, exactly? Well every douche, of course, is a 
douche in his or her special way, but there are many recognizable 
traits of this species.  A douche loves his power over you, more 
than loving you.  A douche will leave you stranded on your 
birthday, flirt with people in front of you, doesn't want to be 
in a relationship but doesn't want you to move on, puts you down 
in public, abandons you when you need him most, and feeds off 
your heart.  He will exploit your weakness of loving him, and 
because you keep coming back for more, he never has to change.
  Now, a douche is different than a jerk.  In a relationship, 
everyone can be a jerk.  No coupling is perfect.  But a 
relationship with a douche is a scenario far more toxic then the 
expected drama of normal coupling.  Like the act of douching, a 
douche is someone who creates more bacteria, irritation, 
inflammation, and infection then it's worth.
  One big challenge in this situation is accepting that your 
friend is not an innocent in this equation.  She is allowing 
herself to be undervalued, and here is where the paradox lies: 
she knows she is dating a douche, but something about that person 
is hard to let go of.  In a healthy relationship, the power 
dynamic shifts back and forth between vulnerable and dominant.  
But when dating a douche, you often feel manipulated, which can 
render you weak and creates a self-destructive pattern.  You have 
to face the fact: your friend is possessed by a fierce force: 
it's the inexplicable power of attraction...for better or for 
worse.
  The tricky part of your friend's douche-dating is finding a 
strategy to encourage him or her to accept reality without being 
too pushy.  If you come off as overly judgmental, you might lose 
her forever to the tentacles of her demon lover.  Though this 
person is your best friend, he or she still has an ego to contend 
with, and no one wants to be seen as emotionally anemic  Despite 
being accustomed to sharing things so intimate it would make that 
fly on the wall blush, you can't just declare how you think her 
mate sucks.  When you tell someone how to feel, they often feel 
criticized.
  If your friend asks for your opinion, you have to be as gentle 
as a proctologist when revealing your views.  Of course it is 
important to be honest, but you are not dealing with a rational 
person.  It is wise to hold in any irrevocable bashing of her 
beloved like a fart in an elevator.  You can't take it back once 
you let it out.  The best tactic is to repeat the insanity she 
tells you with a sincere non-ironic tone.  This way, she can hear 
the lunacy for herself without having to taste your disapproval.
  Chances are, your friend is going to complain about the 
douche-bag nonstop, which of course gets tiresome.  You have to 
remember, your friend is taking crazy pills, and you will have 
the same conversation over and over and over again, making you 
reflect on the definition of insanity while staring at the 
ceiling with your mouth open.  They need you to listen to them, 
because eventually they will begin to bore themselves.
  Although the toxicity of your friend's relationship may be as 
obvious to you as fake tits, it will take time for him to feel it 
out for himself.  It is important to remain as his confidante 
even though you want to shake him like a British nanny would.  
You have to trust that he will return to his senses and realize 
that the relationship is depleting his life force.  And if you 
find yourself about to implode from the chaotic craziness of it 
all, remember that you too were probably once seduced by a 
douche.
  Toni Nagy is a freelance writer living in Vermont.
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