[acb-hsp] The Screwed-Up Ideas Underpinning Modern Marriages

[peter altschul]

The Screwed-Up Ideas Underpinning Modern Marriage
  Nicole Rodgers, Role Reboot May 25, 2011
  This article was originally published at RolestReboot.
  There is a seismic shift afoot that affects all aspects of what 
it means to be a man or a woman.  Census data reveal part of the 
story: Women have been outpacing men in bachelor's degrees since 
1996 and, for the first time, more women now have advanced 
degrees than men, too.  Women now make up the (slight) majority 
of the workforce and, in 147 out of 150 of the biggest cities in 
the U.S., young womenbs salaries are higher than those of their 
male peers (although this applies only to single, childless women 
under 30 in urban areas-the pay gap which favors men remains 
elsewhere).
  The generation coming of age today grew up with the belief that 
women can do everything men can do.  More men than ever before 
are taking on the primary caregiver role and, in almost one 
quarter of marriages, the woman makes more money than the man.  
After years of the fight for equality, true collegiality and 
partnership between genders appears closer than ever before.
  Yet our attitudes about whom we are supposed to marry has 
barely changed.  We are still burdened with antiquated ideas 
about what men and women are supposed to look for and expect in a 
spouse.  These traditional and deeply embedded ideas are on a 
collision course with the facts on the ground.
  If straight women continue to seek men with superior education 
and earnings to "take care of them" (even in situations where, at 
least financially, women are perfectly able to take care of 
themselves) and if men continue to only be comfortable in the 
"superior" position, we can expect to see many more frustrated 
and lonely mate seekers.
  This dilemma has been written about extensively in recent 
months and years.
  The most recent is an April article in the Daily Caller by Kay 
Hymowitz.  Despite the fast-growing educational disparity which 
favors women, she suggests that the so-called fairer sex is 
unlikely to be "willing" to start "marrying down" (her word 
choices) anytime soon.  The whole notion of marrying down is 
clearly fraught with problems since it only accounts for two 
measures--educational attainment and income--which arenbt always 
reliable proxies for intelligence or success in the real world.  
But Hymowitz's article really touched a nerve.  Unfortunately, 
amidst all the commentary a painfully obvious point was lost.
  It's only marrying down when women do it.
  Despite the existing barriers to gender equality still 
enshrined in our policies, the biggest obstacle we face, when it 
comes accepting how demographic shifts are upending traditional 
gender roles for men and women, is deeply cultural.  No one--not 
men or women--wants to "marry down." But in the game of love, 
it's a gender-biased label.
  Really think about this: Even in 2011, when a wealthy, educated 
man marries a less wealthy, less educated (and frequently 
younger) woman, we often assume the couple reflects the natural 
order of things.  If anything, we may question whether the woman 
in these pairings is a "gold-digger," but we rarely ask why a man 
would select a spouse not perceived to be his "equal." We usually 
just shrug our shoulders in a fatalistic way: "That's men!" 
Culturally, we understand and accept that men seek female 
partners for support other than financial when entering into a 
marriage.  Men with wives who possess less education, or who make 
less money than they do, are presumed to value other qualities 
like emotional support, domestic compatibility, good parenting 
potential, and physical chemistry, among many, many others.  And 
that's fine.
  But when we talk about women marrying men who are less wealthy 
or less educated than they are, something doesn't sit right.  We 
revert to the language of defeat, or settling, hence the question 
of whether women will marry down.  Suddenly, the traits and 
criteria men naturally prioritize in wives seem like odd choices 
for women to value in potential husbands.  Even for enlightened 
thinkers, these roles are deeply socialized and culturally 
reinforced.  In fact, one of the most simultaneously challenging 
and liberating aspects of gay marriages (or relationships) is 
that there aren't strictly prescribed gender roles to fall back 
on.
  Hymowitz has her own theory about why straight women wonbt 
marry down: she says when it comes to marriage, we're ultimately 
snobs, and we want to produce smart kids who will thrive in a 
knowledge-based economy.  Of course, as Will Wilkinson points 
out, the more obvious reason smart, successful women typically 
want to marry equally educated and financially successful men is 
simply that they want someone like them; they want someone who 
bgetsb them.
  But this is where the new reality of marriage becomes a numbers 
game: if you look at the data, it would appear that heterosexual 
women are either going to have to marry less (no judgement there; 
I'm not here to bsellb marriage) or some are going to have to 
marry men with less education and income than they have.
  Already, fewer adults are married and the age of first marriage 
is climbing for both genders.  Now the question is whether 
women's criteria for a spouse will shift and expand.  Hymowitz 
thinks no.  But I think it will, and it should.
  The reality is that 22% of households already have what is 
often termed "breadwinner wives" (Admittedly, I don't know about 
educational attainment in these households).  That's hardly an 
anomaly.  We can go down this path kicking and screaming, 
bemoaning The End of Men, or hand-wringing over whether manhood 
can survive the recession.  Or, we can stop, take a collective 
deep breath, and recognize that we have the opportunity to 
re-imagine what it means to be a "real man" and to liberate men 
from what--even in 2011--is still a pretty limited view of 
manhood.  Gender equality can no longer be only about addressing 
women's subordination; it requires recognizing the restrictions 
this arrangement has placed on men, as well.
  Frankly, itbs a confusing time to be a young man.  Everyone is 
telling guys they're destined to fare worse than their fathers' 
generation and their employment and financial prospects are 
dwindling.
  But our culture also pays lip service to the idea that a new 
man can embrace his emotional side, can be a nurturer, and should 
be valued for more than his wallet.  But that's often drowned out 
by calls to bman upb by beer commercials, political candidates, 
and sports commentators.  Who are young men supposed to be? Don 
Draper? Phil Dunphy? A stoic sports hero? A slacker in an Apatow 
film?
  It's no wonder we're all confused about what we're supposed to 
bring to the table in a marriage and what we're looking for: 
We're talking to men and women out of both sides of our mouth.
  For women, true marriage equality means getting comfortable 
marrying up, down, sideways, or diagonal.  It's hard to imagine 
progressing on this path if women canbt learn to redefine spousal 
support beyond the financial, like men always have.  If women 
don't value men who take on more traditionally "feminine" roles, 
then we're going to have to stop complaining when men devalue 
"women's work."
  At my organization, we think of ourselves as role-rebooters, 
navigating a world built on outdated assumptions about 
"traditional" men and women's roles and supporting the new 
reality of our day-to-day lives.  We're at the beginning of a 
pretty significant shift in the social, political, and economic 
dynamics that have dominated marriages for decades.  These 
changes feel tumultuous when you're on the inside, re-writing the 
rules, but they will eventually benefit both men and women 
immensely if we can learn to embrace them.  When it comes to 
modern marriage, it's time to ditch the antiquated expectations 
that serve to limit rather than liberate us, and to bravely forge 
a new path, together.
  Nicole Rodgers is the President and co-founder of RolestReboot, 
an organization navigating a world built on outdated assumptions 
about men and women's roles and advocating ways to support the 
changing reality of our day-to-day lives.
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