[acb-hsp] How I Escaped the Family Values Nightmare

[peter altschul]

How I Escaped the "Biblical Family Values" Nightmare That Drives 
Perry, Bachmann, and Tea Party Politics
  Vyckie Garrison, RH Reality Check
  August 29, 2011
  Do you remember when it first dawned on you that your relatives 
are all a bunch of crackpots and weirdos?
  Seems like I was around 8 or 9 -- my mother worked all night in 
the casinos and slept most of the day, leaving me alone to 
protect my naive older sister from the depraved advances of Mom's 
alcoholic boyfriends and worry about my big brother's drug 
addiction.  I couldn't count on my grandparents to help -- they 
were too preoccupied with their own divorce, dating, and 
remarriage dramas.
  "Holy sugar," I thought to myself, "these people are seriously 
messed up!"
  That's about the time the fantasies began.
  My home, I imagined, was a three-ring circus -- and my 
relatives were the freaks and the clowns.
  In my daydreams, I was not really one of them.  No -- surely, I 
was of aristocratic origin.  My REAL family were royalty in a 
faraway Kingdom and I was born a beloved Princess in a fancy 
castle with many servants and my own Fairy Godmother.
  Somehow, I'd been separated from my blood kin as an infant -- I 
was captured by gypsies and sold in a black market adoption -- 
that's how I ended up being raised by this group of crazies!
  ABC's Primetime Nightline recently aired a segment featuring 
the Gil and Kelly Bates family -- a conservative, Evangelical 
mega-family of twenty.  The Bates, who are close friends of 
JimBob and Michelle Duggar of TLC's "19 and Counting" fame, hold 
to the extreme fundamentalist ideals of the growing "Quiverfull 
movement."
  During the one-hour special, Gil, Kelly, and their children 
explained the family's lifestyle which, to all modern 
appearances, represents a throw back to the imaginary 60's-style 
"Leave It to Beaver" family combined with strict, Victorian Era 
sexual mores and the atavistic gender roles of ancient 
goat-herders.  The Bates eschew all forms of birth control and 
adhere to the marriage model of the biblical Patriarchs -- with 
Gil as family leader and Kelly as submissive "help meet." Kelly 
and the girls adorn themselves in modest, hand-sewn dresses, 
while Gil and his clean-cut sons teach bible study and 
participate in local Tea Party politics.
  Aren't they lovely? Don'tcha wanna be just like them? I sure 
did!
  I left home at 15 and embarked on a quest to recreate my 
long-lost perfect, happy family -- my REAL courtly family, where 
I truly belonged.  After a false start involving marriage at 16, 
a baby at 19, and divorce after seven years of abuse rivaling the 
most astonishing freak show acts Mom's circus family had ever 
performed -- I remarried, found a "bible-believing" church, and 
worked hard within the Quiverfull counterculture to implement the 
best of the best biblical family values into our home life.  I 
had six more children.  I homebirthed, homeschooled, and 
home-churched.  I submitted to my husband and joyfully sacrificed 
my time, energy and talents to build him up and help him to 
succeed.  I published a "pro-life, pro-family" Christian family 
newspaper to inform and encourage other Christians to defend 
"Traditional Family Values." In 2003, we were honored as Family 
of the Year at the Nebraska Family Council's "Salt and Light" 
awards.  I'd finally made it! I had built my own Magic Kingdom 
where my husband reigned as King and I was his Queen, the 
children were our loyal subjects and we could all live happily 
ever after ...
  Like the Bates family, we were the perfect picture of the 
"biblical family values" fantasy -- an idealistic vision of big, 
happy families: devoted husband and wife surrounded by a passel 
of respectful, obedient children -- we were all sweetness and 
smiles.  It is this mesmerizing dream world which energizes and 
motivates Tea Party Republicans like Rick Perry and Michele 
Bachmann to work tirelessly to implement the "pro-family" 
theocratic agenda into every aspect of American society: not only 
in politics, but religion, family, media, education, business and 
entertainment.
  Fundamentalist Christians are convinced that contemporary 
American society is the World's Most Spectacular Display of 
hideously mutated, diseased and anomalous freaks.
  "Step right up folks!" the preacher yells, "and witness a 
grotesque parade of ho-mo-sex-uals, lesbians, Wiccans, radical 
feminists, godless liberals, secular humanists, and ..." 
(congregation gasps!) "Muslim extremists!!"
  Simultaneously fascinated and horrified, respectable religious 
parents scramble to shield their innocent children's eyes and 
ears from the depravity and corruption of "The World." They 
homeschool and form special Chastity and Creation Science clubs 
designed to insulate and isolate their vulnerable young from the 
miscreants and most depraved elements of popular culture.
  It's completely understandable and normal for preteens to 
create imaginary worlds -- their own private, safe hideout where 
they can dream of nobility, of rising above and doing so much 
better than the clowns running the Big Top's Museum of 
Mutantstrosities.
  The grown-ups watch in silent, knowing amusement as kids 
disavow their relatives as "psychos" and "bozos." But when 
otherwise responsible, Christian adults in recent years set out 
on a mission to create a radically distinct way of life based on 
"biblical family values," the resultant countercultural movement 
known as "Quiverfull" has become an all-too-real Hall of Mirrors 
horror show.
  In my own life, perpetual pregnancies destroyed my health, and 
my indiscriminate acquiescence to my husband's every whim 
transformed him from a loving father into a tantrum-throwing 
tyrant.  Burnout and disillusionment led to abuse, neglect, 
family disintegration and a particularly nasty divorce.
  When the dust settled, I took a good look at myself in the 
mirror.  I could no longer deny the strong family resemblance -- 
I saw my mother in my own face staring back at me.
  After all those years of fighting and denial, I had to finally 
accept the fact that I really am one of them -- I belong to these 
crazy people.  I, too, am a conspicuous oddity -- a bizarre 
spectacle and an embarrassment to my own noble children.
  Funny thing is ...  these days, I don't mind so much being 
associated with my misfit clan of circus freaks.
  Life experience has given me perspective and a deep 
appreciation for the inevitable realities and desperate 
circumstances which deformed and mutated Mom and the rest of us 
into shocking and extraordinary creatures worthy of society's 
disquietude and awe.
  Black market adoption fantasies and youthful idealism are 
important wayposts on the journey to adulthood.  Rebellion 
against blatant injustice, hypocrisy, moral compromise and the 
myriad of other common grown-up failure is a healthy 
manifestation of a kid's personal power and strong moral agency.  
Arrogant and annoying, yes -- but in moments of truth we have to 
admit, the kid's got a point.  Society sucks.
  Bigotry, racism, inequity, corruption, greed, depravity, 
malevolence, and all manner of evil abound.  Let's just face the 
fact that in many ways, the contemporary American social and 
political scene has devolved to become the World's Greatest Freak 
Show.  No wonder Tea Party Patriot families like the Bates and 
the Duggars escape into their own personal fantasyland.
  Ironically, with maturity comes humility -- along with a 
profound sense of connection and belonging to that wacky bunch of 
buffoons who share our DNA.  We see our people with new eyes.
  Sure, Grandma's got a beard and Uncle Stan is a charlatan -- 
Aunt Betty's such a lunatic, she may as well have two heads.  But 
in the end, they're all we've got.
  That perfect, royal family whom we imagined searched 
frantically for us for years and never gave up hope that one day 
we would return to our true home? They're not real.
  Cousin Roger is real -- never mind that he doesn't have a lick 
of sense and the only thing he's good for is shoveling elephant 
shit -- he's the one who truly understands you, knows all about 
you, and loves you anyway.
  Tea Party family values are the fundamentalists' desperate 
attempt to deny their own imperfections, vulnerability, and their 
inescapable mortality.  Sure it hurts that they look down on us 
regular folk -- those of us who make no pretense of actually 
having our acts together -- they avoid being seen out in public 
with us, they disown us, and they shrink away in fear of catching 
our cooties.
  But take heart -- perhaps they'll grow up.  I did.
  Not saying I don't still sometimes get all starry-eyed and 
visionary over the possibility of influencing our society for the 
better -- I've got a bit of spunk left in me and I'm doing what I 
can to stick it to The Man.  But I no longer think of myself as 
qualitatively different or "other" than all the rest of my fellow 
human beings -- my family.  My freakish, crazy, wonderfully 
imperfect people.
  I don't believe in God anymore, but I still have faith.  I have 
hope and I trust that collectively, we're all gonna make it --b 
we are learning from our mistakes and growing more compassionate.  
Our shared experiences make us wiser and I have confidence that 
better times are just ahead.
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