[acb-hsp] Being alone

[Carmella D Broome]

I've held off on this  because it hits close to home for me but I think I'd like to  share some personal thoughts. This is a vulnerable and very  touchy topic, but I think its worth being honest about. 

I'm an introvert so I need a lot of time where I'm not having to  manage the  back and forth of interacting with others. My alone time is very important.  I  need time to myself in my own space. When engaging with the wider world, though, I'd much rather share those experiences with someone I'm close to.  I'm not one to venture out  alone too much beyond the necessary. Lonely is something else.  Lonely and alone are two different things in my mind.   Lonely is what is difficult for me. Lonely can happen even in  a crowd of people. Lonely, to me, is about feeling isolated and misunderstood or  disconnected.  It has nothing to do with  other people being around or not. 

I prefer being in a relationship, as long as the stress doesn't outweigh the good points.   When it does, I often feel more alone and  lonely and more worried about what's going to happen than I do when I'm single.  I don't like lots of expectations or pressure to entertain someone else. I don't like drama or uncertainty. I can't do high maintenance relationships, but I do have a big need for closeness and companionship. Relationships are quality not quantity for me because I don't want to be using up precious people energy in my personal life on friends or  partners that leave me more drained after most interactions than before. Of course, there will be times of intense discussion or disagreement that  lead to mixed feelings, but overall, interactions should leave both parties feeling better not worse about  self,  each other, life, the world, whatever.  

I  enjoy sharing space and companionship with people who don't have a need to be sharing every single moment or talking  constantly.  Its reassuring and peaceful to just know someone else I feel comfortable with is nearby. It can be nice to  know  loved ones are in the next room or down the hall. I like being able to both give and receive  physical touch and    verbal connection and  knowing there's a particular person  to share those things with.    

I prefer living in  an apartment.  It feels less isolating evenif I don't really know my immediate neighbors.  There's life and activity going on around me so I feel like I'm a part of  a group of people in a way. 

 I  believe we are all made with a need for healthy attachments, though, and  that we try and find ways to meet that need appropriately no matter how old we are.  I believe it to be  part of how we were designed by  God.   We learn so much about ourselves  through close relationships.   Rick Warren and other religious authors talk about how important it is for us to be a part of a small  group of people who  know us well. In that setting, we're able to be vulnerable and  show both our strengths and weaknesses and we  see the vulnerabilities, strengths, and weaknesses of others in a supportive environment. There's  no way this system can be perfect of course, but  it provides a safe setting in which to  grow and  to help others grow.  Support groups or even solid groups of friends can serve thhis purpose outside of a religious context,  of course.

I know that I tend to want to  carefully  monitor the   parts of me that are seen much of the time. When I allow people close enough, that's a big trust thing because I'm not good with rejection.  Being around me more  means coming to realize that I'm not always easy to  get along with, that I can be moody and  hypersensitive. At the same time, I'm loyal and  caring and funny and lots of other things that hopefully offset  some of my less positive traits. Some people might not like what they discover and decide to distance themselves when faced with all of who I am. I might decide the same about them, but its harder to be the person being rejected. 

Its exhausting to fake it  with people, too, though. If I need to cry,  I'd  rather be by myself, but I also want to know that I can reach out to someone who cares about me during or afterwards just for reassurance and comfort. Getting used to having a particular person around a lot means risking having to get unused to  having them around and I have a very difficult time with that. I'm in  one of those transition times now. Definitely not loving it.  Alone is different than when you're lonely because of missing a particular person. 

In my book, one area that a friend pushed me to be more vulnerable about was the social aspect of  the cafeteria and my feelings around that issue.  I may post an excerpt later this week.  This was   something I didn't want to talk about because, even years later, remembering  how  it felt to hear  people heading out for dinner and  staying behind because I didn't want to  "burden" others by asking for help was and is still painful.  I did write more about it than I originally intended and am glad I did, but  it was very hard to  reexperience those feelings to make them understood.  Its still hard now.

It wasn't just about being hungry (although that did happen and was distressing).  I did a lot of eating  snacks in my room which was unhealthy and  a waste of the money  that was spent on a meal  plan I didn't use as often as I could have.  The aloneness and feeling socially isolated and cut off was  paired with the physical distress and sense of deprivation and the two together were pretty traumatic.  I live in an apartment now so I don't have  to hear the mass exodus and  eating by myself is fine.  I wouldn't do the restaurant thing, though. I might for coffee with my lap top and a piece of writing to work on, but  eating out is too  social and  communal for me to feel comfortable going solo.  It would bring back a lot of difficult memories, I think.

Yes, I am aware now that I could have handled that whole situation  in several ways, but I  still don't think there is an easy solution. Its an aspect of dorm life I'll never miss.  I  never   wanted to risk inconveniencing others or feeling like a third  wheel or going over and hoping  to find someone who would help me not knowing how it would go. It still bothers me to think about because it was something everyone else took for granted.  You go to the cafeteria, get your food, look around to see who's sitting where, and  pick a place to sit and eat.  No big deal.  Different situation for  someone who can't see, though.  Something so basic that most people wouldn't even think about.  Even my friends  who had some idea of  that being difficult for me couldn't always  be available.  They had jobs and lives and other activities.  I didn't resent that and I didn't make a big deal about it because it wasn't their problem to make sure I had help and  would get to go  eat like everyone else was doing. 

 It was tremendously painful and something I dealt with on a daily basis.  Would I   get to go eat or not?  Would someone stop and ask me or not?  If not, would I have the courage to  risk asking and any negative feelings that went with that or not?  Would I have the gutts to go over myself, at least to get something in a to go box and maybe fbe invited to sit with someone or not?  Dread, anticipation,  chickening  out and then berating myself.  Thinking I had a plan  and then  someone backing out and having to act like it wasn't a big deal when it was.  Frustration and such a sense of loneliness. Going or staying  taking up so much emotional energy either way. Lots of feelings of being out of control and  left behind by people who were just so oblivious to  what all that meant to me.  Its still painful to think about or talk about.  

Currently, I'm facing  trying to figure out what to do about getting involved   in a church again.  There was one down the  street a few blocks I used to attend.  Still is.  I really liked it  and the location  was and is  convenient. I loved that I could walk there.  Then, for some reason, after months of going back and forth with no problem, my dog and I  somehow got disoriented on our way home several weeks in a row.  I believe that was after we hadn't been in a few weeks due to  being out of town  for various reasons, me being  sick, or  other reasons.  There was a span of time that we didn't go before this happened anyway. I tried to figure out what happened and thought we'd solved the problem but it happened again.  It freaked me out so much that I stopped going.  I would get up on Sundays and try to  talk myself into it and wind up  just a big emotional mess.  I felt like a coward but just couldn't take  it on knowing  we might get lost and   how I react to that. I  have a major brain lock up and shut down thing that I can't seem to overcome when I lose my bearings and again, the emotional energy  can leave me depleted for way longer than  would be considered normal.    

I'd gotten rides home  a few times when I went in the evenings, but not on a regular basis. Time passed and I  just tried not to think about it rather than getting upset every Sunday morning.  I think I started going with a friend to her church but then she moved away.  Interestingly, no one from the church I'd been attending tried to get in touch to see what happened to me.  I'd  been in the choir for a while but had taken a break from that due to other commitments, but  it  isn't a big church.  Surely people noticed that I wasn't there.  Of course, I could have reached out and didn't, as well.  

Now, it just feels awkward.  I'd like to go back there or somewhere I feel  comfortable, but don't want to have to ask for rides.  My dog is older now and can't really walk more than a couple blocks comfortably. I could take a cab every Sunday, but that option comes with its share of stress, too.

I'm very aware that I have options.  I'm just sharing some of my neuroticism about  aloneness, loneliness, efforts at being part of a community or in relationships, and all that.  I realize I have plenty of issues around this stuff so  please don't bother responding just to point those out to me.  You won't be telling me stuff I don't already know.  I'm taking a risk and being vulnerable about  a topic I believe is very important because I believe these issues are some of the most painful for many of us at times.

It is about interdependence ultimately. None of us are completely   independent or dependent. There is a continuum.  In some instances, it is about challenging ourselves to  do the uncomfortable.  Other times, its just about preference and  personality. 

Just some  very personal thoughts.

Carmella Broome EdS LPC LMFT
Crossroads Counseling Center, Lexington SC
http://CounselorCarmella.WordPress.com
Author of Carmella's Quest:  Taking On College Sight Unseen (Red Letter Press 2009)
http://CarmellasQuest.LiveJournal.com
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