[acb-hsp] Being alone

[Baracco, Andrew W]

Hi Carmella,

 

Great to hear from you after a long absence.  I see that you have
acquired some new letters after your name.  Congratulations!

 

All I will say is that I can identify with just about everything you
said.  I spend a lot of time around sighted people, most of whom know me
well, but to me, they seem to be insensitive at times.  But I don't know
if it is them being insensitive, or me being too sensitive.  I am in a
relationship that isn't ideal, but it works most of the time, and is
certainly preferable to living alone.  I am an introvert by nature, and
find it difficult to be the one to reach out when in a group setting,
thus I avoid most of them.  Because of this, I prefer one to one or very
small group interaction. I always enjoy reading what you write, and
always feel like I have learned something.  I hope to read more from
you, and do hope that you will consider becoming more involved with ACB
HSP.

 

Andy

 

 

From: acb-hsp-bounces at acb.org [mailto:acb-hsp-bounces at acb.org] On Behalf
Of Carmella D Broome
Sent: Wednesday, August 15, 2012 6:55 PM
To: acb-hsp at acb.org
Subject: [acb-hsp] Being alone

 

I've held off on this  because it hits close to home for me but I think
I'd like to  share some personal thoughts. This is a vulnerable and very
touchy topic, but I think its worth being honest about. 

 

I'm an introvert so I need a lot of time where I'm not having to  manage
the  back and forth of interacting with others. My alone time is very
important.  I  need time to myself in my own space. When engaging with
the wider world, though, I'd much rather share those experiences with
someone I'm close to.  I'm not one to venture out  alone too much beyond
the necessary. Lonely is something else.  Lonely and alone are two
different things in my mind.   Lonely is what is difficult for me.
Lonely can happen even in  a crowd of people. Lonely, to me, is about
feeling isolated and misunderstood or  disconnected.  It has nothing to
do with  other people being around or not. 

 

I prefer being in a relationship, as long as the stress doesn't outweigh
the good points.   When it does, I often feel more alone and  lonely and
more worried about what's going to happen than I do when I'm single.  I
don't like lots of expectations or pressure to entertain someone else. I
don't like drama or uncertainty. I can't do high maintenance
relationships, but I do have a big need for closeness and companionship.
Relationships are quality not quantity for me because I don't want to be
using up precious people energy in my personal life on friends or
partners that leave me more drained after most interactions than before.
Of course, there will be times of intense discussion or disagreement
that  lead to mixed feelings, but overall, interactions should leave
both parties feeling better not worse about  self,  each other, life,
the world, whatever.  

 

I  enjoy sharing space and companionship with people who don't have a
need to be sharing every single moment or talking  constantly.  Its
reassuring and peaceful to just know someone else I feel comfortable
with is nearby. It can be nice to  know  loved ones are in the next room
or down the hall. I like being able to both give and receive  physical
touch and    verbal connection and  knowing there's a particular person
to share those things with.    

 

I prefer living in  an apartment.  It feels less isolating evenif I
don't really know my immediate neighbors.  There's life and activity
going on around me so I feel like I'm a part of  a group of people in a
way. 

 

 I  believe we are all made with a need for healthy attachments, though,
and  that we try and find ways to meet that need appropriately no matter
how old we are.  I believe it to be  part of how we were designed by
God.   We learn so much about ourselves  through close relationships.
Rick Warren and other religious authors talk about how important it is
for us to be a part of a small  group of people who  know us well. In
that setting, we're able to be vulnerable and  show both our strengths
and weaknesses and we  see the vulnerabilities, strengths, and
weaknesses of others in a supportive environment. There's  no way this
system can be perfect of course, but  it provides a safe setting in
which to  grow and  to help others grow.  Support groups or even solid
groups of friends can serve thhis purpose outside of a religious
context,  of course.

 

I know that I tend to want to  carefully  monitor the   parts of me that
are seen much of the time. When I allow people close enough, that's a
big trust thing because I'm not good with rejection.  Being around me
more  means coming to realize that I'm not always easy to  get along
with, that I can be moody and  hypersensitive. At the same time, I'm
loyal and  caring and funny and lots of other things that hopefully
offset  some of my less positive traits. Some people might not like what
they discover and decide to distance themselves when faced with all of
who I am. I might decide the same about them, but its harder to be the
person being rejected. 

 

Its exhausting to fake it  with people, too, though. If I need to cry,
I'd  rather be by myself, but I also want to know that I can reach out
to someone who cares about me during or afterwards just for reassurance
and comfort. Getting used to having a particular person around a lot
means risking having to get unused to  having them around and I have a
very difficult time with that. I'm in  one of those transition times
now. Definitely not loving it.  Alone is different than when you're
lonely because of missing a particular person. 

 

In my book, one area that a friend pushed me to be more vulnerable about
was the social aspect of  the cafeteria and my feelings around that
issue.  I may post an excerpt later this week.  This was   something I
didn't want to talk about because, even years later, remembering  how
it felt to hear  people heading out for dinner and  staying behind
because I didn't want to  "burden" others by asking for help was and is
still painful.  I did write more about it than I originally intended and
am glad I did, but  it was very hard to  reexperience those feelings to
make them understood.  Its still hard now.

 

It wasn't just about being hungry (although that did happen and was
distressing).  I did a lot of eating  snacks in my room which was
unhealthy and  a waste of the money  that was spent on a meal  plan I
didn't use as often as I could have.  The aloneness and feeling socially
isolated and cut off was  paired with the physical distress and sense of
deprivation and the two together were pretty traumatic.  I live in an
apartment now so I don't have  to hear the mass exodus and  eating by
myself is fine.  I wouldn't do the restaurant thing, though. I might for
coffee with my lap top and a piece of writing to work on, but  eating
out is too  social and  communal for me to feel comfortable going solo.
It would bring back a lot of difficult memories, I think.

 

Yes, I am aware now that I could have handled that whole situation  in
several ways, but I  still don't think there is an easy solution. Its an
aspect of dorm life I'll never miss.  I  never   wanted to risk
inconveniencing others or feeling like a third  wheel or going over and
hoping  to find someone who would help me not knowing how it would go.
It still bothers me to think about because it was something everyone
else took for granted.  You go to the cafeteria, get your food, look
around to see who's sitting where, and  pick a place to sit and eat.  No
big deal.  Different situation for  someone who can't see, though.
Something so basic that most people wouldn't even think about.  Even my
friends  who had some idea of  that being difficult for me couldn't
always  be available.  They had jobs and lives and other activities.  I
didn't resent that and I didn't make a big deal about it because it
wasn't their problem to make sure I had help and  would get to go  eat
like everyone else was doing. 

 

 It was tremendously painful and something I dealt with on a daily
basis.  Would I   get to go eat or not?  Would someone stop and ask me
or not?  If not, would I have the courage to  risk asking and any
negative feelings that went with that or not?  Would I have the gutts to
go over myself, at least to get something in a to go box and maybe fbe
invited to sit with someone or not?  Dread, anticipation,  chickening
out and then berating myself.  Thinking I had a plan  and then  someone
backing out and having to act like it wasn't a big deal when it was.
Frustration and such a sense of loneliness. Going or staying  taking up
so much emotional energy either way. Lots of feelings of being out of
control and  left behind by people who were just so oblivious to  what
all that meant to me.  Its still painful to think about or talk about.  

 

Currently, I'm facing  trying to figure out what to do about getting
involved   in a church again.  There was one down the  street a few
blocks I used to attend.  Still is.  I really liked it  and the location
was and is  convenient. I loved that I could walk there.  Then, for some
reason, after months of going back and forth with no problem, my dog and
I  somehow got disoriented on our way home several weeks in a row.  I
believe that was after we hadn't been in a few weeks due to  being out
of town  for various reasons, me being  sick, or  other reasons.  There
was a span of time that we didn't go before this happened anyway. I
tried to figure out what happened and thought we'd solved the problem
but it happened again.  It freaked me out so much that I stopped going.
I would get up on Sundays and try to  talk myself into it and wind up
just a big emotional mess.  I felt like a coward but just couldn't take
it on knowing  we might get lost and   how I react to that. I  have a
major brain lock up and shut down thing that I can't seem to overcome
when I lose my bearings and again, the emotional energy  can leave me
depleted for way longer than  would be considered normal.    

 

I'd gotten rides home  a few times when I went in the evenings, but not
on a regular basis. Time passed and I  just tried not to think about it
rather than getting upset every Sunday morning.  I think I started going
with a friend to her church but then she moved away.  Interestingly, no
one from the church I'd been attending tried to get in touch to see what
happened to me.  I'd  been in the choir for a while but had taken a
break from that due to other commitments, but  it  isn't a big church.
Surely people noticed that I wasn't there.  Of course, I could have
reached out and didn't, as well.  

 

Now, it just feels awkward.  I'd like to go back there or somewhere I
feel  comfortable, but don't want to have to ask for rides.  My dog is
older now and can't really walk more than a couple blocks comfortably. I
could take a cab every Sunday, but that option comes with its share of
stress, too.

 

I'm very aware that I have options.  I'm just sharing some of my
neuroticism about  aloneness, loneliness, efforts at being part of a
community or in relationships, and all that.  I realize I have plenty of
issues around this stuff so  please don't bother responding just to
point those out to me.  You won't be telling me stuff I don't already
know.  I'm taking a risk and being vulnerable about  a topic I believe
is very important because I believe these issues are some of the most
painful for many of us at times.

 

It is about interdependence ultimately. None of us are completely
independent or dependent. There is a continuum.  In some instances, it
is about challenging ourselves to  do the uncomfortable.  Other times,
its just about preference and  personality. 

 

Just some  very personal thoughts.

 

Carmella Broome EdS LPC LMFT
Crossroads Counseling Center, Lexington SC
http://CounselorCarmella.WordPress.com
Author of Carmella's Quest:  Taking On College Sight Unseen (Red Letter
Press 2009)
http://CarmellasQuest.LiveJournal.com

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://www.acb.org/pipermail/acb-hsp/attachments/20120816/4b68bcf1/attachment-0001.html>