[acb-hsp] Being alone
Mary Ann Robinson
brightsmile1953 at comcast.net
Thu Aug 16 19:24:21 EDT 2012
I can identify with much of what everyone has said. I've felt lonely when being in a crowd of people. There were many times when I stayed home rather than going places alone.
For nearly five years, I have been blessed to be involved in a wonderful relationship characterized by a lot of give and take, love, sharing, caring, closeness and happiness. Many of our beliefs and values are similar. We've discussed likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses and have been able to compliment each other well when deciding who does what.
So far, we've been able to resolve issues or differences of opinion with little difficulty.
We do many things together and also have activities that we engage in independently.
Mary Ann
----- Original Message -----
From: J.Rayl
To: John Kolwick ; Discussion list for ACB human service professionals
Cc: Discussion list for ACB human service professionals
Sent: Thursday, August 16, 2012 9:19 AM
Subject: Re: [acb-hsp] Being alone
Hi John, Like you and Carmella, I go back and forth about this thing of, do I want to be in a relationship? I've never really thought of myself as Introverted or particularly extroverted, but probably more of an extrovert than introvert. In any event, I never did do well with drama and high maintenance relationships. I'm not a person with high need for attention or care, and I'm the world's worst with this when it comes to other people, probably.
But it would be great to have people with whom I could form companionship-type relationships--they're not dependent on me, nor I them, and when we can, we enjoy good conversation and sharing. I have one person like that but then, he'll complicate things with sex / sexual come-ons and I'm just not interested because for us, it would take the relationship of friendship / being coworkers into a place it once was (twice) and did not work. I see zero reasons to go there again.
You are indeed correct, Carmella, and I believe this point was made at the beginning of this thread: lonely, and alone, are two very separate things. I've certainly been in a crowded place and have felt quite lonely.
I've not experienced that in relationships much, and if I did, it ended the relationship because, for me, what's the point then?
I realize, accept and understand even that question differs in its answer for many people. But for me, there's just no point in calling it a relationship if we're not really connected and both of us feel lonely even when we're together.
I'm certainly willing to take risks--for myself. I've always been a risk-taker, which is, I suppose, why I embarked on my own business after becoming weary of the red tape and halabaloo drama of agencies. And, why I embarked on an online doctoral program even though from the onset, this school has not been overly accommodating, has pretty much an all-or-nothing attitude, and is quite not accessible. However, I got into it, and intend to come away with the degree I'm here for, and am paying for.
But in terms of relationships? I'd take some risks there, too--certainly embarking on any relationship then becomes a risk. However, I"m far more cautious with that then I once was, more established in what I will and will not accept, and well, the truth is, I guess I"m not so interested to just settle for whatever. <smiles> The other person is going to have to demonstrate he is highly interested in me, and commitment, as well.
Jessie Rayl
thedogmom63 at frontier.com
www.facebook.com/Eaglewings10
www.pathtogrowth.org
----- Original Message -----
From: John Kolwick
To: Carmella D Broome ; Discussion list for ACB human service professionals
Sent: Thursday, August 16, 2012 6:37 AM
Subject: Re: [acb-hsp] Being alone
Hello Carmella, first thank you for sharing a lot of feelings. In reading your post, I thought about a variety of situations in my own life that are very similar to yours. I often felt that by being blind I was inferior to others and there by would not take risks with relationships. I had and have friends but I also am somewhat of an introvert. I was married once and that ended in a divorce. Getting married later in life has some unique challenges and looking back on it, I told my X, I loved her but I also did not want to be alone. That was about 10 years ago. Today, I also think about not being alone and have mixed feelings about that. I also would like companionship and just having someone to talk to or do things would be fun. However, I am apprehensive about risking that again. I do not like conflict or drama either. I also am getting ready to retire from work and work often provides us with a sense of identity and social interactions. I will be loosing that part of my life. I am not certain how I will replace that. In some ways now, I can take more risks and do plan to pursue volunteer and part time work options.
Another variable that I would like to share is being partially sighted when I was younger and now for practical purposes I have no vision. In some ways it has made things easier for me but more complicated in others. I feel more comfortable about my blindness today than in the past. Again, this has been a very thought provoking discussion.
From: Carmella D Broome
Sent: Wednesday, August 15, 2012 9:54 PM
To: acb-hsp at acb.org
Subject: [acb-hsp] Being alone
I've held off on this because it hits close to home for me but I think I'd like to share some personal thoughts. This is a vulnerable and very touchy topic, but I think its worth being honest about.
I'm an introvert so I need a lot of time where I'm not having to manage the back and forth of interacting with others. My alone time is very important. I need time to myself in my own space. When engaging with the wider world, though, I'd much rather share those experiences with someone I'm close to. I'm not one to venture out alone too much beyond the necessary. Lonely is something else. Lonely and alone are two different things in my mind. Lonely is what is difficult for me. Lonely can happen even in a crowd of people. Lonely, to me, is about feeling isolated and misunderstood or disconnected. It has nothing to do with other people being around or not.
I prefer being in a relationship, as long as the stress doesn't outweigh the good points. When it does, I often feel more alone and lonely and more worried about what's going to happen than I do when I'm single. I don't like lots of expectations or pressure to entertain someone else. I don't like drama or uncertainty. I can't do high maintenance relationships, but I do have a big need for closeness and companionship. Relationships are quality not quantity for me because I don't want to be using up precious people energy in my personal life on friends or partners that leave me more drained after most interactions than before. Of course, there will be times of intense discussion or disagreement that lead to mixed feelings, but overall, interactions should leave both parties feeling better not worse about self, each other, life, the world, whatever.
I enjoy sharing space and companionship with people who don't have a need to be sharing every single moment or talking constantly. Its reassuring and peaceful to just know someone else I feel comfortable with is nearby. It can be nice to know loved ones are in the next room or down the hall. I like being able to both give and receive physical touch and verbal connection and knowing there's a particular person to share those things with.
I prefer living in an apartment. It feels less isolating evenif I don't really know my immediate neighbors. There's life and activity going on around me so I feel like I'm a part of a group of people in a way.
I believe we are all made with a need for healthy attachments, though, and that we try and find ways to meet that need appropriately no matter how old we are. I believe it to be part of how we were designed by God. We learn so much about ourselves through close relationships. Rick Warren and other religious authors talk about how important it is for us to be a part of a small group of people who know us well. In that setting, we're able to be vulnerable and show both our strengths and weaknesses and we see the vulnerabilities, strengths, and weaknesses of others in a supportive environment. There's no way this system can be perfect of course, but it provides a safe setting in which to grow and to help others grow. Support groups or even solid groups of friends can serve thhis purpose outside of a religious context, of course.
I know that I tend to want to carefully monitor the parts of me that are seen much of the time. When I allow people close enough, that's a big trust thing because I'm not good with rejection. Being around me more means coming to realize that I'm not always easy to get along with, that I can be moody and hypersensitive. At the same time, I'm loyal and caring and funny and lots of other things that hopefully offset some of my less positive traits. Some people might not like what they discover and decide to distance themselves when faced with all of who I am. I might decide the same about them, but its harder to be the person being rejected.
Its exhausting to fake it with people, too, though. If I need to cry, I'd rather be by myself, but I also want to know that I can reach out to someone who cares about me during or afterwards just for reassurance and comfort. Getting used to having a particular person around a lot means risking having to get unused to having them around and I have a very difficult time with that. I'm in one of those transition times now. Definitely not loving it. Alone is different than when you're lonely because of missing a particular person.
In my book, one area that a friend pushed me to be more vulnerable about was the social aspect of the cafeteria and my feelings around that issue. I may post an excerpt later this week. This was something I didn't want to talk about because, even years later, remembering how it felt to hear people heading out for dinner and staying behind because I didn't want to "burden" others by asking for help was and is still painful. I did write more about it than I originally intended and am glad I did, but it was very hard to reexperience those feelings to make them understood. Its still hard now.
It wasn't just about being hungry (although that did happen and was distressing). I did a lot of eating snacks in my room which was unhealthy and a waste of the money that was spent on a meal plan I didn't use as often as I could have. The aloneness and feeling socially isolated and cut off was paired with the physical distress and sense of deprivation and the two together were pretty traumatic. I live in an apartment now so I don't have to hear the mass exodus and eating by myself is fine. I wouldn't do the restaurant thing, though. I might for coffee with my lap top and a piece of writing to work on, but eating out is too social and communal for me to feel comfortable going solo. It would bring back a lot of difficult memories, I think.
Yes, I am aware now that I could have handled that whole situation in several ways, but I still don't think there is an easy solution. Its an aspect of dorm life I'll never miss. I never wanted to risk inconveniencing others or feeling like a third wheel or going over and hoping to find someone who would help me not knowing how it would go. It still bothers me to think about because it was something everyone else took for granted. You go to the cafeteria, get your food, look around to see who's sitting where, and pick a place to sit and eat. No big deal. Different situation for someone who can't see, though. Something so basic that most people wouldn't even think about. Even my friends who had some idea of that being difficult for me couldn't always be available. They had jobs and lives and other activities. I didn't resent that and I didn't make a big deal about it because it wasn't their problem to make sure I had help and would get to go eat like everyone else was doing.
It was tremendously painful and something I dealt with on a daily basis. Would I get to go eat or not? Would someone stop and ask me or not? If not, would I have the courage to risk asking and any negative feelings that went with that or not? Would I have the gutts to go over myself, at least to get something in a to go box and maybe fbe invited to sit with someone or not? Dread, anticipation, chickening out and then berating myself. Thinking I had a plan and then someone backing out and having to act like it wasn't a big deal when it was. Frustration and such a sense of loneliness. Going or staying taking up so much emotional energy either way. Lots of feelings of being out of control and left behind by people who were just so oblivious to what all that meant to me. Its still painful to think about or talk about.
Currently, I'm facing trying to figure out what to do about getting involved in a church again. There was one down the street a few blocks I used to attend. Still is. I really liked it and the location was and is convenient. I loved that I could walk there. Then, for some reason, after months of going back and forth with no problem, my dog and I somehow got disoriented on our way home several weeks in a row. I believe that was after we hadn't been in a few weeks due to being out of town for various reasons, me being sick, or other reasons. There was a span of time that we didn't go before this happened anyway. I tried to figure out what happened and thought we'd solved the problem but it happened again. It freaked me out so much that I stopped going. I would get up on Sundays and try to talk myself into it and wind up just a big emotional mess. I felt like a coward but just couldn't take it on knowing we might get lost and how I react to that. I have a major brain lock up and shut down thing that I can't seem to overcome when I lose my bearings and again, the emotional energy can leave me depleted for way longer than would be considered normal.
I'd gotten rides home a few times when I went in the evenings, but not on a regular basis. Time passed and I just tried not to think about it rather than getting upset every Sunday morning. I think I started going with a friend to her church but then she moved away. Interestingly, no one from the church I'd been attending tried to get in touch to see what happened to me. I'd been in the choir for a while but had taken a break from that due to other commitments, but it isn't a big church. Surely people noticed that I wasn't there. Of course, I could have reached out and didn't, as well.
Now, it just feels awkward. I'd like to go back there or somewhere I feel comfortable, but don't want to have to ask for rides. My dog is older now and can't really walk more than a couple blocks comfortably. I could take a cab every Sunday, but that option comes with its share of stress, too.
I'm very aware that I have options. I'm just sharing some of my neuroticism about aloneness, loneliness, efforts at being part of a community or in relationships, and all that. I realize I have plenty of issues around this stuff so please don't bother responding just to point those out to me. You won't be telling me stuff I don't already know. I'm taking a risk and being vulnerable about a topic I believe is very important because I believe these issues are some of the most painful for many of us at times.
It is about interdependence ultimately. None of us are completely independent or dependent. There is a continuum. In some instances, it is about challenging ourselves to do the uncomfortable. Other times, its just about preference and personality.
Just some very personal thoughts.
Carmella Broome EdS LPC LMFT
Crossroads Counseling Center, Lexington SC
http://CounselorCarmella.WordPress.com
Author of Carmella's Quest: Taking On College Sight Unseen (Red Letter Press 2009)
http://CarmellasQuest.LiveJournal.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
_______________________________________________
acb-hsp mailing list
acb-hsp at acb.org
http://www.acb.org/mailman/listinfo/acb-hsp
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
_______________________________________________
acb-hsp mailing list
acb-hsp at acb.org
http://www.acb.org/mailman/listinfo/acb-hsp
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_______________________________________________
acb-hsp mailing list
acb-hsp at acb.org
http://www.acb.org/mailman/listinfo/acb-hsp
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No virus found in this message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 2012.0.2196 / Virus Database: 2437/5203 - Release Date: 08/15/12
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://www.acb.org/pipermail/acb-hsp/attachments/20120816/bacc7086/attachment-0001.html>
More information about the acb-hsp
mailing list