[acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnnt

[peter altschul]

I Was Raped, And It Got Me Pregnant -- What Akin and Other 
Extremists Will Never Understand
  August 22, 2012
  At 19 years old, I became an unwilling expert on the topic of 
rape.  I learned about rape's savagery and its psychological 
trauma.
  Lately, we've been hearing from men who don't know much about 
the subject at all.  On Monday, Senate candidate Rep.  Todd Akin, 
R-Mo., created a stir when he said, "If it's a legitimate rape, 
the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." 
But his casual, off-the-cuff ignorance is just the latest in a 
long line of insults.  In March, Kansas Rep.  Pete DeGraf said, 
"Women should plan ahead for rape the way he keeps a spare tire." 
A few weeks after that Indiana state Rep.  Eric Turner said, 
"Some women might fake being raped in order to get free 
abortions." I can't stand by and watch these men who have no 
personal experience with sexual assault pretend to know so much 
about it.
  I do know about rape.  I received an education of the highest 
degree, and now it's my turn to teach.
  My story begins during an overnight at my best friend's camp on 
a lake in Central New York.  I rode to the camp with my best 
friend and her husband, who was in the Navy and home on leave.
  When we got there, she told me I could have the best bedroom 
upstairs since everyone else was sleeping on the first floor.  
Feeling special, I unpacked my belongings in the secluded little 
room at the end of the hall.  That night, I was the first to go 
to bed.
  Sound asleep, I awoke in the middle of the night to the force 
of a cold, calloused hand across my mouth.  It was my best 
friend's husband.  He was a big guy, and I was frozen with fear 
and intimidation; I could not move a muscle.
  Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.  My eyes were 
screaming at him: Why are you doing this to me? But my voice was 
silent.  His hand clamped over my mouth had stopped the flow of 
words.  I wondered what I had done to make this happen, to make 
my best friendbs husband want to hurt me?
  Then I realized he wasn't alone.  I saw the second face in the 
darkness -- another friend I had known all my life was now on top 
of me.  The pain began shooting through my body as he tore off my 
underwear.  It felt like everything stopped in that moment, 
mentally and physically.  My breathing stopped.  The blood in my 
veins stopped flowing.  I realize now that this was just the 
beginning of what it is like to be raped.
  My old life was gone, over.  Now, I walked into darkness 
shackled to a completely different existence, one I could never 
have imagined.
  After that night, my mind turned against me.  Poisonous 
thoughts seeped into every crevice and I had nightmares of 
faceless strangers chasing me every night in my dreams.  I did 
not trust anyone.  I blamed myself.  I believed that I would 
never be able to cleanse the filth off my body.  I never pressed 
charges, because at 19 years old (and this was 30 years ago), I 
wasn't even sure if this was legally a crime, since I knew the 
men who raped me.
  But just when I thought the horror couldn't escalate any 
further, things got worse: My period never came.  At first, I 
assumed it was due to the stress and anxiety, so I waited.  I 
waited and waited, and fear swarmed in my mind.
  Eight weeks after I was raped, Planned Parenthood gave me the 
confirmation: I was pregnant.  The woman who worked there tried 
to tell me about my options, but I ran.  I threw up in the 
parking lot.  I drove around for hours praying this was all a 
dream.
  Any chance to remotely reclaim who I was disappeared in that 
moment.  My whole worldview was challenged.  I'm a Catholic, and 
I didn't understand: How could this happen to me?
  I was innocent.  I did nothing wrong.  But I was overwhelmed by 
fear, guilt and shame.
  Just when I thought I might be able to push the ugliness of 
this savage act out of my mind, I realized I would never be able 
to escape.  It would not let me go.
  I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually broken, and the 
thought of what had resulted from this vile act took my 
self-hatred into another dimension.  I wanted no memory of that 
night, would do anything possible to erase it in the hope that it 
would somehow ease the sick, disgusting feeling I got every time 
I looked in the mirror.  I realized that in order to maintain 
what little sanity I had left, I had to terminate the pregnancy.
  Six months after the rape, I dropped out of college and 
developed an eating disorder.  I collapsed into alcohol abuse and 
had abusive relationships.
  It took me 12 years of trying to kill myself before I could 
actually verbalize to a trusted counselor what happened to me.  I 
spent the next eight years trying to reverse the damage that was 
done.  Twenty years of serving time for a crime I didn't commit.
  Rep.  Akin and those who argue about "legitimate" rape, you 
have no idea what you are talking about.  You don't know what it 
is like to have your sacredness ripped away, ferociously taken 
without your permission.  A pregnancy resulting from rape is a 
reminder of violence, hatred and brutality forced upon your body.  
And to tell a woman who has gone through the horror of being 
raped -- which can and does, in fact, result in pregnancy -- that 
she again does not have the power or control to decide what 
happens to her body afterward is an outrage of epic proportions.
  I have learned to speak up about my experience, to never again 
be silenced.  But unfortunately, I can't stop men who are not 
experts from spouting off on things they don't know.  I wish they 
would.  I'm tired of people on news show and running for 
political office offering their opinions on rape and what a woman 
should do about it.
  The only individual who should be able to make this choice is 
the woman who was raped.  End of story.