[acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnant

Mon Aug 27 16:45:12 EDT 2012

I couldn't forgive that, Jessie; I have forgiven a lot,, but I couldn't 
 forgive that, especially when there were people charged with looking out
for you, and sadly, I doubt your experience is uncommon, though no one has
ever told me of such an experience.

I was date raped once; I didn't report either because the guy was of another
race; I was living a bit of an edgy life then so knew I would not 
 be believed.

-----Original Message-----
From: acb-hsp-bounces at acb.org [mailto:acb-hsp-bounces at acb.org] On Behalf Of
J.Rayl
Sent: Monday, August 27, 2012 6:53 AM
To: Discussion list for ACB human service professionals
Subject: Re: [acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnant

Hi.  Not only does the blind woman have problems with the identifying
process, that is just the beginning of any process--if it even gets that
far.  It is a humiliating, demoralizing process.  Everything she ever did,
ever thought about doing is brought out against her and savagely used
against her--sometimes for years.  She relives, and relives the rape
experience over and over again ...in therapy, in the court room, and finally
in the final trial--often for the offender to get a light slap on the wrist.

And then, he comes out and torments her again, and again, and again.
Meanwhile, she is rejected by family and so-called friends, she may lose her
job, and is literally, more alone than ever ... for something she never
asked for, never wanted, and was powerless to prevent.
I know ...I've been there ...and I didn't report either the rape or the
beating.  I knew the blind woman who beat me up, as did everyone else and
somehow, she became the poor one while I became the condemned.  No one knows
(but me) the rapist.
And I never, ever, will forget (or probably entirely forgive) either of them
or a system that failed me.
If you're judging me now, you live with that because guess what? So do
we--the victims.

Jessie Rayl
thedogmom63 at frontier.com
www.facebook.com/Eaglewings10
www.pathtogrowth.org

----- Original Message -----
From: "Darla Rogers" <djrogers0628 at gmail.com>
To: "'Discussion list for ACB human service professionals'" 
<acb-hsp at acb.org>
Sent: Sunday, August 26, 2012 10:18 PM
Subject: Re: [acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnant

This article made me cry; I have known many blind women who have told me of
rape; many have never sought help because, believe it or not, it is even
worse for a blind woman because the criminal justice system doesn't believe
she could ever identify the rapist.

There is a good book about a blind vendor in Wisconsin, I believe it was,
who was raped, and because she lived on the edge a bit and more so because
she was blind, she had to go through hell and back.

-----Original Message-----
From: acb-hsp-bounces at acb.org [mailto:acb-hsp-bounces at acb.org] On Behalf Of
peter altschul
Sent: Saturday, August 25, 2012 5:54 PM
To: Acbhsp
Subject: [acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnnt

I Was Raped, And It Got Me Pregnant -- What Akin and Other Extremists Will
Never Understand
  August 22, 2012
  At 19 years old, I became an unwilling expert on the topic of rape.  I
learned about rape's savagery and its psychological trauma.
  Lately, we've been hearing from men who don't know much about the subject
at all.  On Monday, Senate candidate Rep.  Todd Akin, R-Mo., created a stir
when he said, "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to
shut that whole thing down."
But his casual, off-the-cuff ignorance is just the latest in a long line of
insults.  In March, Kansas Rep.  Pete DeGraf said, "Women should plan ahead
for rape the way he keeps a spare tire."
A few weeks after that Indiana state Rep.  Eric Turner said, "Some women
might fake being raped in order to get free abortions." I can't stand by and
watch these men who have no personal experience with sexual assault pretend
to know so much about it.
  I do know about rape.  I received an education of the highest degree, and
now it's my turn to teach.
  My story begins during an overnight at my best friend's camp on a lake in
Central New York.  I rode to the camp with my best friend and her husband,
who was in the Navy and home on leave.
  When we got there, she told me I could have the best bedroom upstairs
since everyone else was sleeping on the first floor.
Feeling special, I unpacked my belongings in the secluded little room at the
end of the hall.  That night, I was the first to go to bed.
  Sound asleep, I awoke in the middle of the night to the force of a cold,
calloused hand across my mouth.  It was my best friend's husband.  He was a
big guy, and I was frozen with fear and intimidation; I could not move a
muscle.
  Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.  My eyes were screaming
at him: Why are you doing this to me? But my voice was silent.  His hand
clamped over my mouth had stopped the flow of words.  I wondered what I had
done to make this happen, to make my best friendbs husband want to hurt me?
  Then I realized he wasn't alone.  I saw the second face in the darkness --
another friend I had known all my life was now on top of me.  The pain began
shooting through my body as he tore off my underwear.  It felt like
everything stopped in that moment, mentally and physically.  My breathing
stopped.  The blood in my veins stopped flowing.  I realize now that this
was just the beginning of what it is like to be raped.
  My old life was gone, over.  Now, I walked into darkness shackled to a
completely different existence, one I could never have imagined.
  After that night, my mind turned against me.  Poisonous thoughts seeped
into every crevice and I had nightmares of faceless strangers chasing me
every night in my dreams.  I did not trust anyone.  I blamed myself.  I
believed that I would never be able to cleanse the filth off my body.  I
never pressed charges, because at 19 years old (and this was 30 years ago),
I wasn't even sure if this was legally a crime, since I knew the men who
raped me.
  But just when I thought the horror couldn't escalate any further, things
got worse: My period never came.  At first, I assumed it was due to the
stress and anxiety, so I waited.  I waited and waited, and fear swarmed in
my mind.
  Eight weeks after I was raped, Planned Parenthood gave me the
confirmation: I was pregnant.  The woman who worked there tried to tell me
about my options, but I ran.  I threw up in the parking lot.  I drove around
for hours praying this was all a dream.
  Any chance to remotely reclaim who I was disappeared in that moment.  My
whole worldview was challenged.  I'm a Catholic, and I didn't understand:
How could this happen to me?
  I was innocent.  I did nothing wrong.  But I was overwhelmed by fear,
guilt and shame.
  Just when I thought I might be able to push the ugliness of this savage
act out of my mind, I realized I would never be able to escape.  It would
not let me go.
  I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually broken, and the thought of
what had resulted from this vile act took my self-hatred into another
dimension.  I wanted no memory of that night, would do anything possible to
erase it in the hope that it would somehow ease the sick, disgusting feeling
I got every time I looked in the mirror.  I realized that in order to
maintain what little sanity I had left, I had to terminate the pregnancy.
  Six months after the rape, I dropped out of college and developed an
eating disorder.  I collapsed into alcohol abuse and had abusive
relationships.
  It took me 12 years of trying to kill myself before I could actually
verbalize to a trusted counselor what happened to me.  I spent the next
eight years trying to reverse the damage that was done.  Twenty years of
serving time for a crime I didn't commit.
  Rep.  Akin and those who argue about "legitimate" rape, you have no idea
what you are talking about.  You don't know what it is like to have your
sacredness ripped away, ferociously taken without your permission.  A
pregnancy resulting from rape is a reminder of violence, hatred and
brutality forced upon your body.
And to tell a woman who has gone through the horror of being raped -- which
can and does, in fact, result in pregnancy -- that she again does not have
the power or control to decide what happens to her body afterward is an
outrage of epic proportions.
  I have learned to speak up about my experience, to never again be
silenced.  But unfortunately, I can't stop men who are not experts from
spouting off on things they don't know.  I wish they would.  I'm tired of
people on news show and running for political office offering their opinions
on rape and what a woman should do about it.
  The only individual who should be able to make this choice is the woman
who was raped.  End of story.
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