[acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnant

[MARILYN LUTTER]

Hi Everyone,

I have never had the misfortune to be raped.  I do have concerns about 
people who touch me without permission trying to be helpful.  Sometimes is 
that they grab me by the hand or arm in an effort to help.  I frequently ask 
them to allow me to hold their arm and telling them it works better that way 
for both of us.  Usually that ends the problem.

Once several years ago I had a particularly strange experience.  I was 
walking along and someone coming from the opposite direction grabbed the 
bottom of my skirt.  Needless to say I reacted to this in a negative manner. 
The person responded that she was trying to break of a thread from my skirt. 
I made it very clear to her that she should have spoken to me and told me a 
thread was hanging from my skirt and asked if she could help.  Aside from 
assuming I was incapable of taking care of myself she took a real chance she 
could have done real damage to my skirt if she had tried to break off a 
thread.

If someone touches me without permission and I have concern about it I 
usually move away from them.

Have you ever had someone grab your cane and try to use it to lead you 
somewhere.  This has happened to me more than once and I didn't hesitate to 
inform the person that he or she was interfering with my ability to protect 
myself from hazards in the environment.

I was always taught to be polite to people who tried to help me even if it 
was inappropriate.  I have also heard and felt I shouldn't do something 
which might give others a negative impression of blind people.  If someone 
does something which interferes with my safety or threatens me in some way I 
do not hesitate to let them know it politely if possible, but not 
necessarily.

Marilyn Lutter
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Laura G." <orangebutterfly87 at gmail.com>
To: "Discussion list for ACB human service professionals" <acb-hsp at acb.org>
Sent: Monday, August 27, 2012 2:54 PM
Subject: Re: [acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnant


Hi,

Jessie, Darla, and anyone else who's contributed on this thread, thank
you.  I'm glad to see this not go unnoticed as so often people are very
uncomfortable discussing sexual violence.

I recently was part of a group who presented a training to disability
services providers on sexual violence and people with disabilities.  One
of the things that was mentioned in the training is that we, especially
disabled women, are taught to be oh-so-polite.  I know growing up, I was
censured verbally for saying anything that could be construed as rude.
As I was pretty sensitive, this, for all intents and purposes, silenced
me.  I didn't want to be the one to give any other person a bad
experience they would then generalize to all blind people.  I've
struggled against this imperative since moving to Chicago 2 years ago
and have gotten better about standing up for myself and having a thicker
skin.

But how do you politely tell people to take their hands off of you, even
if they do mean well and are "just trying to help you find a seat."
Being touched without permission is something I deal with constantly,
and I shouldn't have to.  It has added to my vulnerability.  On a public
transportation system where the buses and trains start moving as soon as
the last person has entered the vehicle, I've let it slide too many
times figuring it better than ending up on the floor or in someone's
lap, despite my very good balance.

Does anyone have thoughts on this?  Does anyone not have a problem with
this?  To the males, do you find that you experience this and that it
does or doesn't bother you?

Thanks,
Laura



On 8/27/2012 6:52 AM, J.Rayl wrote:
> Hi.  Not only does the blind woman have problems with the identifying
> process, that is just the beginning of any process--if it even gets that
> far.  It is a humiliating, demoralizing process.  Everything she ever did,
> ever thought about doing is brought out against her and savagely used
> against her--sometimes for years.  She relives, and relives the rape
> experience over and over again ...in therapy, in the court room, and 
> finally
> in the final trial--often for the offender to get a light slap on the 
> wrist.
> And then, he comes out and torments her again, and again, and again.
> Meanwhile, she is rejected by family and so-called friends, she may lose 
> her
> job, and is literally, more alone than ever ... for something she never
> asked for, never wanted, and was powerless to prevent.
> I know ...I've been there ...and I didn't report either the rape or the
> beating.  I knew the blind woman who beat me up, as did everyone else and
> somehow, she became the poor one while I became the condemned.  No one 
> knows
> (but me) the rapist.
> And I never, ever, will forget (or probably entirely forgive) either of 
> them
> or a system that failed me.
> If you're judging me now, you live with that because guess what? So do
> we--the victims.
>
> Jessie Rayl
> thedogmom63 at frontier.com
> www.facebook.com/Eaglewings10
> www.pathtogrowth.org
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Darla Rogers"<djrogers0628 at gmail.com>
> To: "'Discussion list for ACB human service professionals'"
> <acb-hsp at acb.org>
> Sent: Sunday, August 26, 2012 10:18 PM
> Subject: Re: [acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnant
>
>
> This article made me cry; I have known many blind women who have told me 
> of
> rape; many have never sought help because, believe it or not, it is even
> worse for a blind woman because the criminal justice system doesn't 
> believe
> she could ever identify the rapist.
>
> There is a good book about a blind vendor in Wisconsin, I believe it was,
> who was raped, and because she lived on the edge a bit and more so because
> she was blind, she had to go through hell and back.
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: acb-hsp-bounces at acb.org [mailto:acb-hsp-bounces at acb.org] On Behalf 
> Of
> peter altschul
> Sent: Saturday, August 25, 2012 5:54 PM
> To: Acbhsp
> Subject: [acb-hsp] I Was Raped, and It Got Me Pregnnt
>
> I Was Raped, And It Got Me Pregnant -- What Akin and Other Extremists Will
> Never Understand
>    August 22, 2012
>    At 19 years old, I became an unwilling expert on the topic of rape.  I
> learned about rape's savagery and its psychological trauma.
>    Lately, we've been hearing from men who don't know much about the 
> subject
> at all.  On Monday, Senate candidate Rep.  Todd Akin, R-Mo., created a 
> stir
> when he said, "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try 
> to
> shut that whole thing down."
> But his casual, off-the-cuff ignorance is just the latest in a long line 
> of
> insults.  In March, Kansas Rep.  Pete DeGraf said, "Women should plan 
> ahead
> for rape the way he keeps a spare tire."
> A few weeks after that Indiana state Rep.  Eric Turner said, "Some women
> might fake being raped in order to get free abortions." I can't stand by 
> and
> watch these men who have no personal experience with sexual assault 
> pretend
> to know so much about it.
>    I do know about rape.  I received an education of the highest degree, 
> and
> now it's my turn to teach.
>    My story begins during an overnight at my best friend's camp on a lake 
> in
> Central New York.  I rode to the camp with my best friend and her husband,
> who was in the Navy and home on leave.
>    When we got there, she told me I could have the best bedroom upstairs
> since everyone else was sleeping on the first floor.
> Feeling special, I unpacked my belongings in the secluded little room at 
> the
> end of the hall.  That night, I was the first to go to bed.
>    Sound asleep, I awoke in the middle of the night to the force of a 
> cold,
> calloused hand across my mouth.  It was my best friend's husband.  He was 
> a
> big guy, and I was frozen with fear and intimidation; I could not move a
> muscle.
>    Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion.  My eyes were 
> screaming
> at him: Why are you doing this to me? But my voice was silent.  His hand
> clamped over my mouth had stopped the flow of words.  I wondered what I 
> had
> done to make this happen, to make my best friendbs husband want to hurt 
> me?
>    Then I realized he wasn't alone.  I saw the second face in the 
> darkness --
> another friend I had known all my life was now on top of me.  The pain 
> began
> shooting through my body as he tore off my underwear.  It felt like
> everything stopped in that moment, mentally and physically.  My breathing
> stopped.  The blood in my veins stopped flowing.  I realize now that this
> was just the beginning of what it is like to be raped.
>    My old life was gone, over.  Now, I walked into darkness shackled to a
> completely different existence, one I could never have imagined.
>    After that night, my mind turned against me.  Poisonous thoughts seeped
> into every crevice and I had nightmares of faceless strangers chasing me
> every night in my dreams.  I did not trust anyone.  I blamed myself.  I
> believed that I would never be able to cleanse the filth off my body.  I
> never pressed charges, because at 19 years old (and this was 30 years 
> ago),
> I wasn't even sure if this was legally a crime, since I knew the men who
> raped me.
>    But just when I thought the horror couldn't escalate any further, 
> things
> got worse: My period never came.  At first, I assumed it was due to the
> stress and anxiety, so I waited.  I waited and waited, and fear swarmed in
> my mind.
>    Eight weeks after I was raped, Planned Parenthood gave me the
> confirmation: I was pregnant.  The woman who worked there tried to tell me
> about my options, but I ran.  I threw up in the parking lot.  I drove 
> around
> for hours praying this was all a dream.
>    Any chance to remotely reclaim who I was disappeared in that moment. 
> My
> whole worldview was challenged.  I'm a Catholic, and I didn't understand:
> How could this happen to me?
>    I was innocent.  I did nothing wrong.  But I was overwhelmed by fear,
> guilt and shame.
>    Just when I thought I might be able to push the ugliness of this savage
> act out of my mind, I realized I would never be able to escape.  It would
> not let me go.
>    I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually broken, and the thought of
> what had resulted from this vile act took my self-hatred into another
> dimension.  I wanted no memory of that night, would do anything possible 
> to
> erase it in the hope that it would somehow ease the sick, disgusting 
> feeling
> I got every time I looked in the mirror.  I realized that in order to
> maintain what little sanity I had left, I had to terminate the pregnancy.
>    Six months after the rape, I dropped out of college and developed an
> eating disorder.  I collapsed into alcohol abuse and had abusive
> relationships.
>    It took me 12 years of trying to kill myself before I could actually
> verbalize to a trusted counselor what happened to me.  I spent the next
> eight years trying to reverse the damage that was done.  Twenty years of
> serving time for a crime I didn't commit.
>    Rep.  Akin and those who argue about "legitimate" rape, you have no 
> idea
> what you are talking about.  You don't know what it is like to have your
> sacredness ripped away, ferociously taken without your permission.  A
> pregnancy resulting from rape is a reminder of violence, hatred and
> brutality forced upon your body.
> And to tell a woman who has gone through the horror of being raped --  
> which
> can and does, in fact, result in pregnancy -- that she again does not have
> the power or control to decide what happens to her body afterward is an
> outrage of epic proportions.
>    I have learned to speak up about my experience, to never again be
> silenced.  But unfortunately, I can't stop men who are not experts from
> spouting off on things they don't know.  I wish they would.  I'm tired of
> people on news show and running for political office offering their 
> opinions
> on rape and what a woman should do about it.
>    The only individual who should be able to make this choice is the woman
> who was raped.  End of story.
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