[acb-hsp] Hate Small Talk?

[peter altschul]

Expert Perspective
Hate Small Talk? These 5 Questions Will Help You Work Any Room
  BY Allison Graham 07-27-2012 8:00 AM
  This article is written by a member of our expert contributor 
community.  Do you love going to events, but find yourself 
stranded during happy hour, tongue-tied and tucked in a corner? 
Initiating and maintaining conversations while networking is a 
necessary skill, and one you can easily improve with these simple 
tips.
  Mastering small talk will help you find common ground to create 
a mini-bond with new contacts.  Small talk may feel trite and 
unimportant, but it's the small talk that leads to the big talk.
  Ideally small talk will uncover common interests, business 
alignments, the six degrees that separate you, potential need for 
your product or service, and basically whether or not you enjoy 
each other's company.  The goal is not to become best friends or 
a new client on the spot.  Although it's nice when those instant 
connections happen, usually that's not the case.
  The goal of conversation at functions is to establish enough 
common ground to determine a reason to connect again.





Getting To Hello...And Beyond
  Tongue-tied and standing in a corner? Use these easy tips for 
working a room.
  When looking for a conversation partner in a crowded room, 
there are three likely scnarioes that make it easy to initiate 
dialogue:
  --Fun, inviting groups
  --White-knuckled loners who look uncomfortable and will welcome 
your attempt to initiate dialogue
  --Familiar faces
  Questions to get the conversations flowing:
  "What's your connection to the event?" This question can 
uncover mutual contacts and usually leads to a more robust answer 
than if you asked the typical "Have you been to this event 
before?"
  "What's keeping you busy when you're not at events like this or 
at work?" This question gives the encouragement necessary for the 
person to share his/her passions and outside interests.  It is an 
excellent way to add some enthusiasm into a conversation that has 
hit a lull, especially if he/she would prefer to be doing that 
activity at that moment.
  "Are you getting away this summer?" This question can lead to 
conversations about family, reveal special interests and, if you 
like talking about travel, it's a sure-fire way to keep a 
conversation interesting.
  "Are you working on any charity initiatives?" This question 
makes it easy to launch into a deeper connection.  If they're not 
involved with any projects, they often share reasons which is 
usually revealing, and if they are doing something of value they 
will be more than happy to share.
  "How did you come to be in your line of work?" For some, the 
path to where they are today can be quite an interesting ordeal.  
Having a chance to revisit their story to success can leave 
helpful clues along the way as to who they are and what makes 
them tick.
  Keeping a conversation rolling is simple when you learn to 
listen and ask appropriate probing questions that naturally grow 
from the dialogue.  You only need to prepare a couple of 
questions in advance.  If there is a genuine connection then you 
can proactively engage in conversation.
  When a person doesn't participate actively in a conversation 
with you, that's a red flag to say to yourself, "Okay, this is 
not one of my quality contacts, it's time to move on and meet 
someone else."
  Ultimately, the decision each person has to make during this 
initial contact is whether or not there is enough connection to 
warrant future interaction.  It's during these small 
conversations that people form their opinions about whether they 
like you, trust you, and believe you're competent.
  Actual business talk is quite limited at functions.  Learning 
what people do and perhaps about some of their big developments 
or projects is about the extent of the business talk expected.  
Deeper connections are formed through finding common ground that 
is not work related.
  There is a balance between too much and too little business 
talk.  If you don't talk business at all you may miss an 
opportunity to communicate who you are, what you do, and what you 
have to offer and that you are competent in your field.  There 
are some people who you can know for years and never hear them 
talk about work.  You just assume they are retired or not 
interested in more clients.
  However, if you talk about your work too much you run the risk 
of boring others.  Too much "shoptalk" can easily put a damper on 
an evening.  Watch for cues from your conversation partners.  How 
are they responding to the conversation with you? Are they 
engaged? Are they obviously looking for a new conversation 
partner? Are they listening to and understanding what you are 
saying? Are you giving them more information than they expect, 
want, or need? Are you monopolizing the conversation and not 
giving others a chance to share ideas or ask questions?
  Match the depth of dialogue to the environment.
  You don't want to let people overhear confidential or 
inappropriate information.  Plus, talk that is too deep at 
business functions can lead to heated conversations.  New 
contacts could be put on edge.  Over-heated conversations can 
quickly be subdued by simply making a closing agreeable statement 
that offers little room for a rhetorical comment.  This tactic 
will diffuse the situation quickly and without incident.
  For example, say with a smile, "Well, that's one issue we're 
not going to solve tonight," or simply close the conversation 
with "I certainly understand your perspective," minus the "but" 
that is sitting on the tip of your tongue.
  You won't win points for always having to be right.  You may 
win the debate while making someone else look bad, but in the 
end, you'll make yourself look worse.  You will, however, win 
points for having social graces if you are the bigger person and 
cool potentially fiery situations.
  You have to know when to let go and kill the discussion even if 
you believe you are correct on the issue.  In the grand scheme of 
things, we must value the opinions of others and accept that it 
is not important to win every debate.  The last thing you want to 
do is to appear as the know-it-all who must end conversations as 
the perceived winner.
  Your words may be forgotten, but how you make people feel will 
be remembered.
  When it comes to small talk, don't think you must say something 
strikingly intelligent each time you speak.  Your words may be 
forgotten, but how you make people feel will be remembered.
  No doubt small talk can get a little dull after a while.  So, 
take it upon yourself to make it interesting.  To prepare for 
conversations, choose your five favorite safe topics.  These will 
make it easy for you to swing an otherwise stale conversation 
into one that makes you a genuinely enthusiastic 
conversationalist.
  Have you ever been in a conversation that just wasn't clicking, 
then suddenly the mood changes and you both have a smile on your 
face as the conversation starts firing on all cylinders? That's 
because you found common ground.  It occurs when two people have 
an interest in the same topic.
  By determining in advance what interests you, half of the 
equation for stimulating conversation is complete.  Now your job 
is to guide the conversation from topic to topic until you solve 
the other important half of the equation: What's of interest to 
your new contact?
  Finally, it's about your attitude.
  I must admit, after attending hundreds of events and 
interacting with thousands of people, there are times when I feel 
small talk is simply a dreaded requirement.  I'm writing this so 
you know that I completely understand if you're reading this and 
thinking, "I don't care about all this superficial conversation."
  When I get in those moods, I remind myself that the person I'm 
meeting has the potential to be my next big client or a newfound 
friend.  If those thoughts don't shift my attitude, I'll set a 
personal challenge to create a super-duper fantastic conversation 
with a new contact.  For some reason, this additional challenge 
seems to inspire me to get enthusiasm back into the small talk.  
If that doesn't work, I just remind myself that the person I'm 
talking with deserves my respect.
  The real key to great conversations is to relax.  Let the 
conversation flow naturally.  That's easiest to do when you're 
fully engaged and genuinely interested in the conversation topic 
and the person with whom you are talking.
  Reprinted by permission of the publisher, John Wiley and Sons 
Canada, Ltd., from From Business Cards to Business Relationships: 
Personal Branding and Profitable Networking Made Easy, 2nd 
Edition by Allison Graham.  Copyright B) 2012 by Allison Graham.
  Allison Graham is a corporate trainer and keynote speaker 
specializing in effective networking and business development 
strategies for professional service providers and small business 
entrepreneurs.
  Copyright B) 2012 Mansueto Ventures LLC.  All rights reserved.