[acb-hsp] The Soft Stuff Are the Hard Stuff

[peter altschul]

The Soft Stuff Is the Hard Stuff
  Douglas R.  Conant, coauthor of TouchPoints: Creating Powerful 
Leadership Connections in the Smallest of Moments, introduces an 
excerpt from The 3rd Alternative: Solving Life's Most Difficult 
Problems, by Stephen R.  Covey, that proposes a more thoughtful 
approach for problem resolution.
  In my 35-year corporate journey and my 60-year life journey, I 
have consistently found that the thorniest problems I face each 
day are soft stuff -- problems of intention, understanding, 
communication, and interpersonal effectiveness -- not hard stuff 
such as return on investment and other quantitative challenges.  
Inevitably, I have found myself needing to step back from the 
problem, listen more carefully, and frame the conflict more 
thoughtfully, while still finding a way to advance the corporate 
agenda empathetically.  Most of the time, interestingly, this has 
led to a more promising path forward and a better relationship, 
which in turn has made the next conflict easier to deal with.
  Stephen Covey provides a more direct approach to successful 
problem solving in the excerpt below from his new book.  From the 
outset, his "3rd Alternative" approach engages everyone involved 
in an issue to advance the agenda in a winning way.  The soft 
stuff will forever be the hard stuff, but leveraging 3rd 
Alternative thinking can make the soft stuff significantly easier 
to resolve productively.
  stb Douglas R.  Conant
  An excerpt from Chapter 3 of The 3rd Alternative: Solving 
Life's Most Difficult Problems
  If you're a 3rd Alternative supervisor, you'll neither flee nor 
fight.  You'll look for something better [when conflict arises], 
a solution that will provide your employee with a huge emotional 
payoff and create for the firm new and significant value.
  A friend of mine explained how a 3rd Alternative leader dealt 
with exactly this situation in his life:
  I was new at the job and had come in hoping for a better 
salary.  I settled for something a lot less than I'd hoped for 
just to get in the door.  But after a couple of months, it was 
clear that my family was struggling.  We couldn't get by because 
of some medical expenses.  Besides that, I felt more and more 
that I was getting paid too little for the work I was doing.  So 
I took a real risk and went to talk to the big boss about a 
raise.  I didn't know her very well and she didn't know me.  I 
had no real track record yet with that company.
  But she invited me into her office and I explained why I was 
there.  I was kind of surprised when she said, "Tell me more." I 
told her about my family situation.  She just listened, and I 
talked quite a lot about what Ibd been doing for the firm.  She 
asked me what I thought about the company, its customers, its 
products.  It was odd.  We had this long conversation that I 
thought was going to be about my pay, but instead was about me -- 
how I was doing, what I thought, what I'd learned in my few 
months at the company.
  Then she asked me about a certain customer I'd been working 
with.  She wanted to know my ideas for expanding our business 
with that client, and I actually did have some thoughts that I 
shared.
  A couple days later, she invited me back into her office.  
Three or four other people joined us, and she had put up on a 
whiteboard my ideas for this client.  We had quite the 
discussion, and a lot more discussions after that.  I was 
excited.  Finally, they offered me an expanded job with higher 
pay and responsibility for a new level of service to this 
important client.  For my friend, these discussions were just the 
beginning of a swift rise in that company; he eventually became a 
partner to the "big boss."
  I've rarely heard of a wiser leader than this woman.  She had a 
fine capacity for 3rd Alternative thinking.  How easy it would 
have been for her either to fight my friend or just to give in to 
his request.  Instead, she sensed the possibility of a dramatic 
win-win.  Rather than haggling over the existing pie, she could 
envision the prospect of a much bigger pie.  She suspected that 
combining my friend's needs and energies with the client's needs 
might well produce growth for everyone.  The eventual result was 
a whole new line of business and a partner who increased his 
worth to the company every year.  From what I know of this young 
man's contribution to his firm, he was ultimately responsible for 
doubling its size.
  Consider how this woman led her team to a 3rd Alternative:
  * First, she took time to listen empathetically.  She wanted to 
understand her young employee's issue and his feelings about it.  
On the face of it, she wanted to know why his salary bothered 
him.  But more deeply, she wanted to grasp what he was all about 
and what he could bring to the company that would pay off for 
everyone, not just for him.
  * Then she sought him out.  She brought him back again and 
again, explored his thinking and involved other thinkers.  She 
valued his distinctive gifts and insights.
  * Finally, the group arrived at synergy: new services, new 
products, new ways of meeting the needs of an important client, 
and beyond that the needs of a new segment of clients.
  All of this came about because the boss has the habit of 
reaching for the 3rd Alternative whenever the opportunity arises.  
An employee comes in with a complaint and she sees a chance to 
build her business.  She sees conflict as fertile ground instead 
of battleground.
  Most thinkers about conflict resolution treat a conflict as a 
transaction.  It's about dividing up the pie.  You can either 
accommodate or confront your opponent.  You can give away the pie 
or you can fight over it, and there are techniques and tricks to 
gain an advantage.  But divide it as you will -- in the end, it's 
the same pie.
  By contrast, the 3rd Alternative is to transform the situation.  
It's about making a new pie that's bigger and better -- perhaps 
exponentially bigger and better.  Where most conflict resolution 
is transactional, the 3rd Alternative is transformational.
  If I find myself caught up in a conflict at work, I mustn't 
fall automatically into the defensive mind-set.  This is crucial, 
but it's also highly counterintuitive.  The natural, unthinking 
response to a challenge is to fight or flee.  This is what 
animals do out of instinct; they have only the 2 Alternatives.  
But mature human beings can choose a 3rd Alternative.
  Remember the first paradigm of synergy: "I See Myself." I have 
the power to stand outside myself and think about my own thoughts 
and feelings.  I can examine my own motives: "Why am I caught up 
in this? Am I being egocentric? Do I need attention or 
affirmation? Do I feel my status is being threatened? Or am I 
genuinely concerned about this issue?" If I am already sure of my 
own self-worth, if I already feel confident about my own 
contribution and capability, I don't need to defend myself 
against you.  I can express myself candidly to you.
  But I also need to remember the second paradigm of synergy: "I 
See Y." That means I have profound respect for you.  I value your 
ideas, your experience, your perspective, and your feelings.
  Therefore, I practice the third paradigm of synergy: "I Seek 
You Out." I am fascinated -- not threatened -- by the gap between 
us.  Nothing defuses the negative energy of a conflict faster 
than to say, "You see things differently.  I need to listen to 
you." And mean it.
  If you practice these paradigms, you'll inevitably arrive at a 
3rd Alternative that makes the conflict irrelevant: "Let's look 
for something better than either of us has thought of." Everybody 
wins, everybody is energized.  Often you won't even remember what 
the fight was about.
  Stephen R.  Covey