[acb-hsp] Divorce and Children's Exposure to Media

[peter altschul]

Divorcing Dad Wants Limits on Children's Media Exposure
  Marybeth Hicks Mar 07, 2013
  From this week's email, a message from a dad whose ex-wife 
doesn't share his concerns about the influence of the culture on 
their high schooler and preteens:
  To: Marybeth
  From: A concerned dad
  How do you suggest defending against the culture's assault on 
childhood when it starts coming via an "inside job"? My 
soon-to-be ex previously saw and resisted it, but in recent years 
has pretty much switched rather than fight.
  For example, it bothers me that she lets our high schooler play 
games with unacceptable content (violence and sexual themes), and 
allows the younger ones to hang out and observe.  I'd solve both 
problems by limiting what the older one can play, both for his 
own good and to eliminate the younger ones' exposure.  Her view: 
Other kids play (and do) things that are a lot worse.
  And concerning Facebook, I wouldn't allow a child on it at all 
until about age 17, and only then with some careful oversight and 
limits.  Her view is that this is how kids stay in touch these 
days, and do I want them to have friends or not?
  I don't want to do anything that criticizes their mom to my 
kids or undermines their relationship; shebs a good person and 
she's their mom.  But I also think exposure to the excesses of 
video games, the Internet, etc., is harmful.  I'd appreciate any 
thoughts on how to walk that line.
  To: Concerned
  From: Mb
  I'll start with the most obvious and important aspect of your 
message -- the fact that your marriage is breaking up has and 
will continue to have an impact on the way in which you and your 
ex-wife parent your children.  Sadly, serious disagreements about 
parenting can be among the most destructive to a marriage.
  At the very least, a faltering marriage would bring these 
conflicts to light, as you've discovered.  It's worth the time 
and effort to find as much common ground as possible in your 
parenting decisions.
  On the other hand, if your children's mother formerly shared 
your concerns about the culture's influence on the kids, she may 
be less concerned now because issues around your dissolving 
marriage are more pressing and important.  And of course, that's 
true.  But what's also true is that the negative influences of 
the culture have a greater chance of impact on teens and 
adolescents who are undergoing the upheaval that your children 
are experiencing because of your impending divorce.
  First and foremost, I hope you have done (and are still doing) 
everything in your power to rescue your marriage.  Your best hope 
of having greater influence on the ways in which your children 
engage with the culture is to remain "inside" and do the job 
together.
  If your marriage can't be saved, then youbll have to create in 
your separate home an environment with respect to cultural 
engagement that you think is best.  Establish rules for your 
house that reflect your values and use the time there to expose 
the children to the kinds of media and activities that you feel 
are more wholesome and appropriate.  Expect resistance since your 
home will feel stricter, so lay out your rules in a loving, 
constructive way.  Say, "I know you're allowed to play certain 
games and be on Facebook when you're at Mom's, but I'd like to do 
things a little differently when you're here.  I'm going to limit 
gaming choices and put some limits on media time so we can make 
the most of our time together." Or something like that.
  Keep this in mind: The culture is a fact of life in this era.  
We who consider ourselves "conservative" or "traditional" in 
values must recognize that we can't influence our children by 
only saying no (though often that's absolutely what must be 
said).  We have to be out there setting an example and 
demonstrating that we don't have to be swayed by everything we 
encounter in the culture, but rather, that we're capable of 
making choices about how and when we engage in it that reflect 
our values and the character we want for families.