[alabama] VA Offers Counseling to Families

[Joe Buck]

[alabama] VA Offers Counseling to Families


VA <http://www.va.gov/health/NewsFeatures/20120223a.asp>  Offers Free
Marriage Retreats


The Department of Veterans Affairs is now offering marriage retreats to help
returning Veterans heal themselves, and their relationships. Research shows
that 70 percent of combat Veterans are experiencing marital problems. Full
<http://www.va.gov/health/NewsFeatures/20120223a.asp>  Story

                                 VA Offers Marriage Retreats for Returning
Vets

 


A Retreat for the Visually Impaired

In August 2011, the Charlie Norwood VA Medical Center in Augusta, Ga., held
its very first marriage retreat for blind and visually impaired Veterans and
their spouses. One of the instructors at that groundbreaking event was
Deborah Lovell, a counselor at the medical center's Blind Rehabilitation
Center who is blind herself.

 

Eleven couples attended the retreat.

"Blindness is something they've had to deal with as a couple," Lovell said.
"In most cases, these Veterans weren't blind when they got married. They
were blinded in Iraq or Afghanistan, earlier conflicts, or through
eye-related conditions. A lot of them are very angry or frustrated. You can
imagine what that will do to a relationship. "

 

Lovell said some of the communication skills she teaches at the marriage
retreats have actually been useful in her own relationship.

"My husband and I communicate pretty well, but there's always room for
improvement," she laughed. "For example, there's a technique we teach called
'The Daily Temperature Reading,' or DTR for short. It's where a couple sets
aside a few minutes each day to talk to each other, face to face, about
whatever's on their mind. They share their thoughts and feelings about
something. They listen to each other.

 

"So, during the course of our DTR sessions, my husband and I discovered
something important," she explained. "We discovered that it takes me a while
to process information. I have to think about stuff for awhile. Sometimes he
would tell me something, and I wouldn't respond right away, and he'd get
frustrated. Now we both realize I just need to mull things over before I get
back to him. So now he doesn't get upset anymore.he knows I just process
information differently than he does."

 

The VA currently has marriage retreat programs for all Veterans up and
running at two locations: the VA San Diego Healthcare System and the Charlie
Norwood VA Medical Center in Augusta, Ga.

Retreats have also been held at VA sites in Indianapolis, Ind., Hampton,
Va., Atlanta, Ga., Columbia, S.C., Manchester, N.H., and Loma Linda, Calif.

 

The Department of Veterans Affairs is trying a new path when it comes to
caring for and healing the Nation's wounded Veterans. Now, in addition to
repairing their damaged bodies and minds, VA is attempting to go one step
further and repair their crumbling marriages.

 

The Damage Done

"Research shows that 70 percent of our combat Veterans are experiencing
marital problems," said VA Chaplain Ron Craddock. "Twenty percent of them
decide to divorce before they even return from theatre. This is staggering.
The toll on the individual Veteran is staggering. The toll on his family is
staggering."

 

That's why Craddock and another VA Chaplain, Ed Waldrop, launched VA's very
first marriage retreat three years ago at the Charlie Norwood VA Medical
Center in Augusta, Ga. The retreats are conducted by VA chaplains, social
workers, psychologists, and counselors who have been certified as
instructors for teaching better communication skills, relationship skills,
and emotional literacy skills to couples.

 

"We started out doing three or four retreats a year," Waldrop said. "We got
a lot of positive feedback, so now we're up to about 11 a year. We've done
two- or three-day retreats for over 400 couples. We're here in Georgia, but
we've had couples come here from as far away as Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, and
Florida.all over. The retreat is free, so their only expense is
transportation. If they can make it here, we get them into the program."

 

The idea is gradually catching on at other VA sites across the nation. The
VA San Diego Healthcare System now has a marriage retreat program up and
running, while about 20 other VA medical centers are in the beginning stages
of establishing their own programs.

 

So what exactly goes on at a marriage retreat, anyway?

 

Talk to Me

"We spend about 70 percent of our time helping couples with their
communication skills," Craddock said. "When these Veterans come back from
overseas, they don't have the communication tools to talk to their spouse
about their pain, their frustration, their grief. And we're seeing this in
both males and females.even the females returning from Iraq and Afghanistan
want to seclude themselves. Just like the guys, they don't want to be around
crowds.they don't want to go on family vacations or outings."

 

"When we went to that first retreat, I had PTSD so bad I couldn't even sit
with everybody."

- Ralph Lynn, former Army sniper

Both Craddock and Waldrop point to one troubled couple in particular as the
perfect example of how effective their program can be at healing broken
relationships.

 

"Ralph had been an Army sniper in Iraq," Waldrop said. "When he and his
wife, Michelle, first came to our retreat, they sat in the back of the room
and wouldn't join the group. We couldn't get any response from them."

 

"But they completed the retreat," said Craddock. "Then, they signed up for
our advanced retreat. Now they're both certified instructors in our program.
For two years they've been helping us teach other couples how to reconnect."

 

Up Against the Wall

"When we went to that first retreat, I had PTSD so bad I couldn't even sit
with everybody," Ralph acknowledged. "I had to sit in the back of the room,
against the wall, so I could see everybody. Michelle sat back there with me.
She was the only one I could trust. I didn't trust anybody else."

 

Ralph said it was his wife who convinced him to try out the VA marriage
retreat. Up until then, he'd never really thought of himself as a 'marriage
retreat' kind of guy.

 

"Michelle knew something was going on long before I was ready to do
something about it," he admitted. "Usually the one closest to you bears the
brunt of the mess.

 

"I thought I was the only one going through what I was going through," he
continued. "But at the retreat I saw other couples going through the same
thing.having the same problems Michelle and I were. Mainly, it was
communication. We didn't talk to each other, we talked at each other. At the
VA retreat I learned that marriage is a separate entity that has to be
nurtured, like a child. You have your day job. You have your spouse. Then
you have your marriage.it has a life of its own."

 

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

"They taught us how to listen to each other," said Michelle. "Now we can
talk to each other about what we're feeling inside. When that happens, it
brings you closer together. It feels really, really good."'

 

"We see some remarkable transitions at these retreats," Ralph added. "We see
couples who won't hold hands. They won't touch each other, or put their arms
around each other. By the end of the retreat, all that changes. They're
holding hands. They're hugging.

"Without the VA, I wouldn't be where I am today," he concluded. "Anything
that can keep people from going through what I and my wife went through, I'm
all for it."

 

Michelle agreed. "These people are coming back from war zones," she said.
"They've shut down. They've experienced things no human being should
experience. They don't know how to communicate anymore because they're used
to being given commands.

"Before we did the retreat, I could talk to Ralph all day long and not get a
response. I might get a nod out of him. But now we can actually have a
normal conversation. That's pretty awesome."

 

When VA's marriage retreats first began, only Veterans from the Iraq and
Afghanistan conflicts were being accepted into the program. Since then, VA
has opened the program to anyone who's ever worn the uniform.

 

For more information on VA's marriage retreat program, call 706-733-0188,
extension 6118, 6114, or 6172.

 

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