by Billie Jean Keith
To: techies@coolstuff.com
From: bj@hoping2learn.com
Message: Can you please assist me? I am trying to learn Windows just enough to get by using a screen reader and magnification software. Until now, I relied on DOS, and was a competent DOS user.
From: oldie@DOSisdead.org
To: bj@hoping2learn.com
Message: You have been referred to us by CoolStuff.com and we are happy to assure you that indeed, we can help you to forget DOS because that is what you absolutely must do. You will learn to de-program DOS from your mind and never think of it again. We have a range of programs that will make this possible. For a mere $200 (plus handling and shipping), our deprogramming tutorial “Daed si SOD” is yours. Daed si SOD is guaranteed to make you forget just about everything as you listen. Our exclusive copyright prohibits me from divulging more. Suffice it to say that you will be propelled back to the office glory days where electric typewriters and carbon paper rule. At that time, our colleagues at CoolStuff.com will be ready to assist you with acquiring the concepts of Windows. We’re going to have an exhibit booth at the ACB convention in Louisville this summer, and expect to be providing some training sessions for the VIDPI group.
To: rehabguy@rehabem-over&over.mystate.com
From: bj@hoping2learn.com
Message: As recommended, I have contacted some companies about learning Windows. However, I am not totally convinced they can provide the exact training I need to get started. Any other suggestions?
From: rehabguy@rehabem-over&over.mystate.com
To: bj@hoping2learn.com
Message: Do we have a current eye examination for you?
To: rehabguy@rehabem-over&over.mystate.com
From: bj@hoping2learn.com
Message: Yes, and the status is the same. I’m blind and I’ll always be blind. Can you recommend another way to learn Windows?
From: rehabguy@rehabem-over&over.mystate.com
To: bj@hoping2learn.com
Message: Just this year, we entered into an intra-agency agreement with the CoolStuff people. Upon signing this agreement CoolStuff set up a model demonstration program to teach all Windows-based applications to our rehab customers. This new training program consists of intensive computer training for six to 12 weeks, depending on the customer’s learning pace. If this is what you would like, I will put you on the waiting list for that program. It’s a three-hour bus ride, so you’ll get to come home weekends if you want to.
From: info@no-flame-no-blame.engineering.org
To: bj@hoping2learn.com
Message: Thank you for your interest in our innovative products. At this time we are beta testing a revolutionary software package, Walking Through Windows. WTW is just one of our stunning new products this year. WTW assumes automatically that you have no idea of what you’re doing, or where you are in Windows. With very little training, the user can simply and effectively navigate Windows. And how is this possible? By using all your old DOS commands, WTW instantly will convert those commands into Windows functions. It’s as simple as learning to paint by numbers!
From: mom@loveyou-nomatterwhat.com
To: bj@hoping2learn.com
Message: Well, I can look around, but I have no idea what we did with that old typewriter ...