by Michael Vining
Years ago, around the 1984 campaign, I heard a news story that mentioned that many of the presidential candidates of that year would not be able to get through an interview for CEO of a business, or even be hired by that or other businesses. Recently, I saw a companion article in the Minneapolis Tribune that mentioned that presidents and CEO candidates have different strengths and weaknesses, so neither could fill the other's job. With people putting their hats in the ring for the 2000 presidential campaign already, and all the media revelations of candidates’ foibles, indiscretions, etc., that always seem to come up during an election year, I wanted to put together a list of qualifications for president. These may be very hard for people to live up to, but we seem to get very upset when new revelations of candidates’ foibles appear in the media; we want our candidates to be God-like.
Below is this satirical list of qualifications. See if you think any candidate can fill these shoes that we, the American public, want filled by the presidential candidates. Or maybe you have some qualifications yourself.
No Financial Improprieties:
A candidate should be honest in business or governmental dealings. They should be very successful in making money, etc.
Sexual Purity/Morality:
This means, if married, should be faithful to spouse forever with no affairs. If single, complete celibacy. No affairs to come back to haunt you later.
Military Service:
Candidate should have served in a branch of the military. It seems as though members of the military would not respect a person as commander in chief if he had never served in the military. They would not know what it was like. On the other hand, could we be overlooking fine candidates who did not have the opportunity to serve? Whatever!
No Family Skeletons in the Closet:
This is self-explanatory.
Business Experience:
If government is like a business, candidate would be equipped to deal with its many facets.
Governmental Experience:
What better experience could a candidate have than working in many different areas of government before becoming president?
No Governmental Experience:
The outsider is the best. Remember, long-term experience may corrupt. Be A Compromiser: In this qualification, a candidate could pull all factions together and make fair policy.
Strong-Willed and Focused, Ruthless:
A candidate should enter the presidency with one idea how to do things, and push acceptance of that idea. The candidate otherwise would be considered a weakling.
Sobriety:
The best presidential candidate should not drink alcoholic beverages, smoke tobacco products, or take any recreational drugs of any kind. We know that these are immoral and cause problems for a God-like president, even though most of America does not live that way. Remember, Bill Clinton did not inhale.
Charismatic:
A candidate should be good at public speaking. What he says is more important than what he thinks. This is one reason Reagan won the presidency twice. He won the debates. The same is true for George Bush. President Clinton has also charmed the public in his speeches as well. On the other hand, Mondale and Dukakis did not come across well enough in their debates and speeches. So they were perceived as weak and lost their respective elections.
Intelligence:
Obviously, the candidate should demonstrate intelligence so he or she can make the right decisions and formulate correct policy to steer the ship of state.
Athletic Prowess:
The president should be skilled in all athletic activities. Witness Ford’s, Bush’s and Clinton’s golf game at the Bob Hope Desert Classic. Also remember that Kennedy played touch football with the Kennedy clan during family gatherings.
No Athletic Prowess Necessary:
It really does not matter how good an athlete the presidential candidate is. It should only matter how well the president does in his job, the one we elected him to do.
Be Perfect:
If the candidate were to fill successfully all of the above qualifications, that person would be able to please everybody and anger no one, or, as they say, walk on water. Thus, the candidate would be perfect and/or God-like.
Is there any of the announced or yet to be announced candidates who could fill the bill? Judge for yourself. It will be interesting to see.